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The Importance of Mary Sue
geekmehard:
unwinona:
このピンは、Maria Delさんが見つけました。あなたも Pinterest で自分だけのピンを見つけて保存しましょう！. Escuela Secundaria Tecnica 86. Guadalajara, Jalisco. Genial menos el estudio XDD. Current City and Hometown. Guadalajara, Jalisco. Current city. Videos de chiste March 17 el permiso de conducir video de chiste 😂 🤣 🤣 😅 q cura vs el comando jajaj dile tu # thuchikitohsofoke # yeisonmedina destras de camara # luisenriquez compartanlo y dale a me ala pagina.
When I was in Ninth Grade, I won a thing.
That thing, in particular, was a thirty dollar Barnes & Noble gift certificate. I was still too young for a part-time job, so I didn’t have this kind of spending cash on me, ever. I felt like a god.
Drunk with power, I fancy-stepped my way to my local B&N. I was ready to choose new books based solely on the most important of qualities…BADASS COVER ART. I walked away with a handful of paperbacks, most of which were horrible (I’m looking at you, Man-Kzin Wars III) or simply forgettable.
One book did not disappoint. I fell down the rabbit hole into a series that proved to be as badass as the cover art promised (Again, Man-Kzin Wars III, way to drop the ball on that one). With more than a dozen books in the series, I devoured them. I bought cassette tapes of ballads sung by bards in the stories. And the characters. Oh, the characters. I loved them. Gryphons, mages, but most importantly, lots of women. Different kinds of women. So many amazing women. I looked up to them, wrote bad fiction that lifted entire portions of dialogue and character descriptions, dreamed of writing something that the author would include in an anthology.
This year I decided in a fit of nostalgia to revisit the books I loved so damn much. I wanted to reconnect with my old friends…
…and I found myself facing Mary Sues. Lots of them. Perfect, perfect, perfect. A fantasy world full of Anakin Skywalkers and Nancy Drews and Wesley Crushers. I felt crushed. I had remembered such complex, deep characters and didn’t see those women in front of me at all anymore. Where were those strong women who kept me safe through the worst four years of my life?
Which led me to an important realization as I soldiered on through book after book. That’s why I needed them. Because they were Mary Sues. These books were not written to draw my attention to all the ugly bumps and whiskers of the real world. They were somewhere to hide. I was painfully aware that I was being judged by my peers and adults and found lacking. I was a fuckup. And sometimes a fuckup needs to feel like a Mary Sue. As an adult, these characters felt a little thin because they lacked the real world knowledge I, as an adult, had learned and earned. But that’s the thing…these books weren’t FOR this current version of myself. Who I am now doesn’t need a flawless hero because I’m comfortable with the idea that valuable people are also flawed.
There is a reason that most fanfiction authors, specifically girls, start with a Mary Sue. It’s because girls are taught that they are never enough. You can’t be too loud, too quiet, too smart, too stupid. You can’t ask too many questions or know too many answers. No one is flocking to you for advice. Then something wonderful happens. The girl who was told she’s stupid finds out that she can be a better wizard than Albus Dumbledore. And that is something very important. Terrible at sports? You’re a warrior who does backflips and Legolas thinks you’re THE BEST. No friends? You get a standing ovation from Han Solo and the entire Rebel Alliance when you crash-land safely on Hoth after blowing up the Super Double Death Star. It’s all about you. Everyone in your favorite universe is TOTALLY ALL ABOUT YOU.
I started writing fanfiction the way most girls did, by re-inventing themselves.
Mary Sues exist because children who are told they’re nothing want to be everything.
As a girl, being “selfish” was the worst thing you could be. Now you live in Narnia and Prince Caspian just proposed marriage to you. Why? Your SELF is what saved everyone from that sea serpent. Plus your hair looks totally great braided like that.
In time, hopefully, these hardworking fanfiction authors realize that it’s okay to be somewhere in the middle and their characters adjust to respond to that. As people grow and learn, characters grow and learn. Turns out your Elven Mage is more interesting if he isn’t also the best swordsman in the kingdom. Not everyone needs to be hopelessly in love with your Queen for her to be a great ruler. There are all kinds of ways for people to start owning who they are, and embracing the things that make them so beautifully weird and complicated.
Personally, though, I think it’s a lot more fun learning how to trust yourself and others if you all happen to be riding dragons.
Mary Sues exist because children who are told they’re nothing want to be everything.
A girl making herself the hero of her own story is a radical act. Stop shaming girls for doing it. Stop shaming yourself for it.
Quotes/Frases/Escenas Favoritas:
'Veo negativo. Recibo lo que recibo con ansiedad, Y veo negativo.
La soledad saldrá del sobre para confundirme o dispararme a sentimientos que no domino ni puedo dominar
No es maldad es la congoja que me reduce a lo inmediato
La incomprensión del otro es el arma que no permite salir de este momento
Todo se hace espinas'
'When will you understand that I have never believed that a woman is subservient to a man? Men will have you believe such a thing because it is actually their side of the species that remains the powerless one, not us. We, you and I, have minds designed to see us through. It is why our hearts can be broken so easily by a man. It is our faulting flaw that we think too much where they do not think at all.' - Ardina ('Embrace' chpt. 31)
“Insanity is just sanity flipped to its wilder, more creative nature”
'There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.' -Oscar Levant
'Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid that I'll take over.'
'Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.' -William Shakespeare
“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act”- George Orwell
“Death smiles at us, and all we can do is smile back”- from ‘Gladiator’
'Forever on the fringe of his thoughts, forever in his mind, but never within his grasp.' -Ardina ('Embrace' chpt. 34)
'Mine honor is my life; both grow in one; take honor from me and my life is done.' -William Shakespeare
'But he that does not grasp the thorns should never crave the rose.' -Anne Bronte
“I came, I saw, I conquered.” – Julius Cesar
“Your incompetence is most taxing.”- Viktor, from ‘Underworld’
“ ‘There will come a time when you’ll have the chance to do the right thing.’ ‘I love those moments… I like to wave at them as they pass by.’” – Captain Jack Sparrow
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”- The bible
“There comes a time when decent men simply roll up their sleeves, raise the black flag, and start slitting throats.”- H.L. Mencken
“All that glitters is not gold. All that wanders is not lost.”- J.R.R. Tolkien, ‘The Hobbit.’
“If you can’t do it with one bullet, don’t do it at all!”- Alan Q., ‘LXG’
“ ‘Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit’ as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such, suffer from it… a lot.”
“Evil men triumph when good men do nothing.” – Superman
“ ‘I wish none of this would have happened.’ So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we need to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” – Gandalf, from ‘Lord of the Rings- The Fellowship of the Ring’
“If there be light, then there is darkness; if cold, heat; if height, depth; if solid, fluid; if rough, smooth; if calm, tempest; if prosperity, adversity; if life, death.” –Pythagoras
“If men were born free, they would, so long as they remained free, form no conception of good and evil.” –Baruch Spinoza
'When the student is ready, the master appears.' -Buddhist Proverb
'There are some remedies worse than the disease.' -Publilius Syrus
'Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.' -Henri Louis Bergson
'No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.' -Terry Josephson
'He who has seen present things has seen all, both everything which has taken place from all eternity and everything which will be for time -without end; for all things are of one kin and of one form.' -Marcus Aurelius
'What we do in life, echoes in eternity.' -Maximus Decimus Meridius; Gladiator
'When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.'
'If you can't convince them, confuse them.' - President Harry S. Truman
'A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else' -John Burroughs
'They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.' -Carl W. Buechner
'The basic difference between an ordinary person and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything -as a challenge while an ordinary person takes everything as a blessing or a curse' -Carlos Castenada
'Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible.'
'Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.' -General George S. Patton
'What you want to do, and what you can do, is limited only by what you can dream.' -Mike Melville
'Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.' -Irving Berlin
'Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.'
'Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.' -Thomas Edison
'The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.' -Michelangelo
'We will either find a way or make one.' -Hannibal
'The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything.' -Thomas Edison
'The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.' -Vince Lombardi
'Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.' -Bill Cosby
'Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like him as ourselves.' -Lestat, from 'Interview with the Vampire'
'Life, which you so nobly serve, comes from destruction, disorder, and chaos.' -Zorg, 'The Fifth Element'
'My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.' -Maximus Decimus Meridius, from 'Gladiator'
'Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.' -General George S. Patton
'Look not mournfully into the past, it comes not back again. Wisely improve the present, it is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future without fear and with a manly heart.' -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
'I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.' -Robert McClosky
'If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think.' -Clarence Darrow
'A visionary is one who can find his way by moonlight, and see the dawn before the rest of the world.' -Oscar Wilde
'I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.' -Pablo Picasso
'Achievement starts when you know that your present place in life does not determine how far you will go. Its only purpose is to remind you where you started.' -Keith D. Harrell
'People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.' -J. Michael Straczynski
'If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.' -Albert Einstein
'If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.' -Rita Mae Brown
'The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not get caught.”
'A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”
'The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.' -The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
'She's either a very ugly girl or a very pretty monster.' -Lou Costello
'Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.'
'I have always wondered why people bang their heads against brick walls.. And then I met you.'
'Be nice to the nerds. One day you'll be working for them' -Bill Gates
'Do you know what your sin is?' 'Right now I'm gonna go with rage, but I'm a fan of all seven.' - Mal, from 'Serenity'
“‘This dock is off limits to civilians.’ ‘I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately.’” – Captain Jack Sparrow
“Do me a favor. I know it’s very difficult for you but please stay here and try not to do anything… stupid.” – Captain Jack Sparrow
“So, who wants to go down into the creepy tunnel through the tomb first?”- Riley, from ‘National Treasure’
“Dear Buddha… I want a pony.”- Mal, from ‘Serenity’
“Of all the things I’ll lose, I miss my mind the most.”
“Haven’t you been paying attention? Killing is what I do. It's what I’m good at!” – from ‘Ultraviolet’
“Someday we’ll look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.”
“Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach the rest of the time… the wait is simply too long.”- Leonard Bernstien
“Actually, I’m just a friar so I can curse all I want… damn it.”- Carl, from ‘Van Helsing’
“Live everyday like it’s your last, because someday it will be.”
“You couldn’t understand anything; and you couldn’t change anything. But you can make music like that. And I felt the same gratitude when I saw the village children dancing; when I saw their arms raised and their knees bent and their bodies turning to the rhythm of the songs they sang. I started to cry watching them.”- Lestat
“Love me, fear me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”-from ‘Labyrinth’
“What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!” -from 'Hamlet'
'Men of few words are the best men' -from 'Henry V'
'O, beware, my lord, of jealousy!
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
the meat it feeds on.' -from 'Othello'
'Nothing will come of nothing.' -from 'King Lear'
'If Love be rough with you, be rough with Love, prick Love for pricking, and you beat Love down.' -Mercutio, from 'Rome and Juliet'
There probably isn't any meaning in life. Perhaps you can find something interesting to do while you are alive. Like how you found that flower. Like how I found you. - Orochimaru(Naruto)
'I shall despair. There is no creature loves me;
And if I die no soul will pity me:
And wherefore should they, since that I myself
Find in myself no pity to myself?' -from 'Richard III'
'Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.' -from 'Julius Caesar'
'Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs, Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes, Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers’ tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, A choking gall and a preserving sweet.' - from 'Romeo and Juliet'
'Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill - don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free.' -Bill, 'Love Actually'
'I love that word 'relationship'. Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm.. Britain. We may be a small country but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, - Sean Connery, Harry Potter. - David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.' -David, Prime Minister, 'Love Actually'
' 'I thought poetry was the food of love.' 'Of a fine, stout love. But if it is only a vague inclination, one poor sonnet will kill it.' 'So, what do you recommend to encourage affection?' 'Dancing. Even if one's partner is barely tolerable.' ' -Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth, in 'Pride and Prejudice' (2005 version)
“Absinthe is the aphrodisiac of the soul. The green fury who lives in the absinthe wants your soul. But you are safe with me…”- Dracula, from ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’
“Do you believe in destiny, that even the powers of time can be ordered to a single purpose? The luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds true love.”- Dracula, from ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’
“I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” –Dracula, from ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’
“A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave robbery.”- Count Dracula, from ‘Van Helsing’
“You can’t kill me Victor… I’m already dead.” Count Dracula, from ‘Van Helsing’
'Oh don't be boring.. everyone who says that dies.' -Count Dracula, from 'Van Helsing'
“ So, you’re the great Van Helsing.’ ‘And you’re a deranged psychopath.’” – Van Helsing, from ‘Van Helsing’
“ ‘Patience is a virtue…’ ‘Not right now, it isn’t.’”- Evelyn and Rick, from ‘The Mummy’
“Heaven, I fancy has no place for me… and I can find Hell on my own.” –Lucy Harris, from ‘Jekyll and Hyde: the musical’
'“Peter, why is the sky blue?” Darian asked, at the tender age of six.
“The sky reflects the mood of the happiness man on earth.” Peter replied.
“Is blue the color of happiness?” Darian asked. Peter paused.
“No.” He said. “It’s the color of sadness.”
“But the happiest man on earth-“
“Is sad because he’s never been sad, but he doesn’t know he’s sad at the time.”' - Im Still Standin by Ravenstar1280
'Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?'
'If you're too open minded your brain will fall out.'
'I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was mistaken.'
'I'm confused, wait..maybe I'm not.'
'Sarcasm, just one more service I offer.'
'My life is an endless battle against maturity.'
'333: I'm only half evil.'
'I'm sorry, but I don't know any words small enough for you to understand.'
'Even if the voices aren't real, they still have some pretty good ideas.'
'A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.'
'It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.'
'I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.'
'I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.'
'The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.'
'Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.'
'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.'
'It's better to have loved and lost than to live with that psycho the rest of your life.'
'I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.'
'A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting next to you saying ‘Damn that was fun!'
'A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.'
'National Sarcasm Society: Like we need your support.'
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
You sound reasonable..Time to up my medication
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
'The villagers are coming with torches and pitchforks. Please hide me.'
'I'm lost, but I'm making good time.'
'Have YOU seen my marbles?'
'What is the speed of dark?'
'Don't take life so seriously, it isn't permanent.'
'I'm not dumb, I'm a slow genius.'
'Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.'
'I used to have a handle on life but it broke.'
'I called your boyfriend gay so he hit me with his purse.'
'Guns don't kill people, bullets do.'
'Love is a four letter word for 'Here are my heart and soul, please take them and grind them into hamburger meat.'
'I wish I had saved all the tears you made me cry..so I could fucking drown you in them!'
'Come to the dark side..we have cookies!'
'If you can't amaze the world with your genius then baffle them with your bullshit.'
'I'm not a tease, I'm just a reminder of what you can't have.'
'Angry people need hugs! (or sharp objects.)'
'There is no 'I' in 'slut' but there's a 'U'.'
'Follow your heart, just make sure that your head is holding the leash.'
“Love start with a smile, grows with a kiss and dies with a tear.”
“I hear my heart screaming in my mind waiting for my soul mate to hear its cry.”
“Silence is gold but duck tape is silver”
“Everyone has a prince charming. Mine just took the wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions. ”
“Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happen to you?”
“High school is not about finding a groom, is about finding the bride maids.”
“Best friends are one soul in two bodies.”
“Don’t hide behind a mask, because you don’t know who could fall for your eyes.”
“God made the land, God made the sea, he need a princess, so he made ME.”
“Tears are the souls blood, if you don’t let them flew you would eventually die.”
“Letters start with ABC, Numbers with 123, Music with DO RE MI, but true love start with you and me.”
“I know I’m not perfect, but I’m so close…It scares me.”
“Every rose would eventually turn black.”
“I’m ready to meet my maker, but is my maker ready for the ordeal of meeting me?”
“Every women should had 4 pets; a mink in the closet, a tiger in the bed, a jaguar in the garage, and a jacka to paid for everything.”
“Suicide is man’s way of telling God; “You can’t fire me I QUIT.””
“NO! The fire in the background is a figment of your imagination… I didn’t do it! ”
“If it weren’t for caffeine, I would have no personality what so ever.”
“Love is friendship on fire.”
“Of all sad words of pen and tongue the saddest are, “It might have been.””
“I’m not strong…I just never let you see me cry.”
“Live in the present, remember the past, and fear not the future, for it doesn’t exist and never shall… There is only now.” –Saphira, from ‘Eldest’
“Oh…do you care? I still do feel for you…What should be lost in there……” –Beautyofthebeast
““I love you” are eight letters, so is “Bullshit.””
“…Therefore the important thing in doing battle is victory…”
“…When you love, make it last a long time…”
“It’s better to be silence and be though a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
“To a well organized mind, death is the next adventure.”
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
“A dream is an answer to a question we haven’t yet learned how to ask.”
“One day you’ll come to me and ask me what’s more important; your or my life. I’ll say my life and you’ll wake away never knowing that you are my life.”
“I’ll love you always… because always is longer than forever.”
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
'There is no one who does not have scars on his heart. If there was someone like that, he would be a shallow bastard.'
How Far is Near? How Near Is Far? If you're looking up, we see the same star.
If life gives you lemons; make grape juice and let the world wonder how the hell you did it.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
“¡¿Loca YO?!.. Loco el mundo en el que vivo.”
“Como quieres que te olvide si cuando trato de olvidarte me olvido del olvido y comienzo a recordarte.”
“Te quiero matemáticamente con un amor trigonometrado, porque física y biológicamente eres mi sistema mas deseado.”
“Tanto te quiero tanto te adoro que hasta los cuernos te pongo de oro.”
“Si mi sangre fuera tinta y mis dedos lapicero, escribiría con todo mi Corazón “Te Quiero.””
“Dime con quien andas y si esta bueno me lo mandas.”
“No dejes que una conquista te conquiste, ni que una derrota te derrote.”
“Uno de los grandes placeres de la vida es el hacer lo que todos te dijeron que nunca podrías hacer.”
“Lo que une la virtud no puede separarlo la muerte.”
El Amor empieza con una sonrisa, crece con un beso y termina con una lágrima.
No llores por alguien que no lloraría por ti.
Los buenos amigos son difíciles de encontrar, más difíciles de dejar e imposibles de olvidar.
Tú sólo puedes ir tan lejos como añores.
Las acciones hablan más fuerte que las palabras.
La cosa más difícil de hacer es ver a quien amas amando a alguien más.
No dejes que el pasado te arrastre, pierdes las buenas cosas.
La vida es corta; Si no ves a tu alrededor de vez en cuando, seguro te lo perderás.
Un MEJOR AMIGO es como un trébol de 4 hojas, DIFÍCIL DE ENCONTRAR y ES DE BUENA SUERTE TENER UNO.
Algunas personas hacen del mundo un lugar especial, con sólo estar en él.
Cuando duele mirar atrás, y tienes miedo de ver al frente; Puedes ver a tu lado, y tu mejor amigo estará allí.
La verdadera amistad nunca termina, los amigos son para siempre.
Los buenos amigos son como estrellas.. No siempre las ves, pero sabes que siempre están allí.
No frunzas el entrecejo, nunca sabes quien se está enamorando de tu sonrisa.
¿Qué haces cuándo la única persona que puede hacerte parar de llorar, es la persona que te hizo llorar?
Nadie es perfecto hasta que te enamoras de él o ella .
Todo está bien al final; Si no está bien, entonces no es el final.
La mayoría de las personas entran y salen de tu vida; Pero sólo los amigos dejan huellas en tu corazón.
Con corona o sin corona para mi seras un rey pero si me engañas con otra para mi seras un wey!
Dices que me amas dices que me adoras y al cruzar la calle de otra te enamoras.
Por debajo de mi cama corre sagre de conejo por donde se para mi novio no se para ningun pendejo.
Por debajo de mi cama corren limas y limones mi mama me trajo al mundo pero no para cabrones.
Cuando pase por tu casa me dio olor a jasmin me asome por tu ventana y era tu cochino calsetin.
Por debajo de mi cama corren limas y limones que guapos son los hombres lastima que sean cabrones.
Mi madre es una rosa mi padre es un clavel tu madre es una pu.. bajada de un hotel
25 TRUTHS OF LIFE..
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
The Laws of Anime Version 6.0
Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito
1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
7. First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die.. regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
11. Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as 'The Matchstick City'.
12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
13. Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.
14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.
15. Law of Inexhaustability
No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.
18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.
20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't..
22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things.. Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
a) be female
b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons.. with bladed weapons!
33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
--Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
--Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more 'simple' things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on.. especially if they have never attempted these things before.
36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination
Also called 'The Five-man Rule,' when 'Good Guys' group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
a) The Hero/Leader
b) His girlfriend
c) His Best Friend/Rival
d) A Hulking Brute
e) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
--Extreme Coolness
--Amazing intelligence
--Incredible Irritation
37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world..
40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though.. the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
There is no Law #43.
44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives
ELEVEN RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys to wear trousers so loose that they are falling off their hips. Don't take this as an insult: you and all of your friends are morons. But I want to be fair and open minded about this, so I propose this: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and you pants ten sizes too big: but in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall off your ass during the course of your date with my daughter, I will use my nail gun to fasten your trousers securely to your waist.
4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of 'barrier method' can kill you. Let me elaborate on this: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
5. You may think that in order for us to know each other better we could talk about sports, politics, or other social issues. Do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you will have my daughter safely back here at this house, and that the only words I need from you on this are 'Early, sir'.
6. You may be popular at school with many opportunities to date other girls. I have no problem with this as long as it is okay with my little girl. Once you have gone out with my little girl, you will date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7. As you wait at the door for my daughter to come out and more than an hour goes by, I do not want to hear you sigh or watch you fidget. If you wanted to be on time for movies, then you shouldn't be dating. My daughter will be putting on her makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, you may change the oil in my car.
8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wood stool,
-Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns in sight,
-Places where there is darkness
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness
-Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops or midriff T-shirts
-movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes, these will be avoided.
9. The following places are appropriate for my daughter:
-Movies that feature chainsaws are okay
-Hockey games are ok
-Old folk's homes are better
10. Never lie to me. I may seem to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged has-been dipshit; but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. I have 3 shotguns, two 30-06 rifles, a meatsaw, a shovel, and five acres in back. Do not mess with me.
11. And finally, be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy. While you're out with my daughter and the Agent Orange starts acting up the voices tell me to clean my guns while I wait for you to bring her home. As soon as you pull up into the driveway, come out of your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password. Report clearly that you have brought my daughter back both safely and early. Then return to your car. There is no need to come inside. And incidentally, the camouflaged face at the window is mine.
THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY:
1. 'Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.'
2. 'Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.'
3. 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness'
4. 'Shu! Shuu! Come back with that! Bad Dog!'
5. 'Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?'
6. 'Hand me that..uh..that uh..thingie.'
7. 'Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.'
8. 'Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?'
9. 'Damn, there go the lights again..'
10. 'Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.'
11. 'What do you mean you want a divorce?'
12. 'Ooooops!'
Diccionario mexicano
Este es el original y único 'Diccionario Mexicano', una joya de la Literatura Nacional que no debe faltar en ningún hogar, oficina o centro social.
Una magnífica herramienta para el uso de las expresiones correctas en los casos que así lo ameritan. Un artículo básico, que ningún turista en nuestro país debe olvidar:
A chingadazos - Someter con violencia.
A huevo - Por la fuerza. Necesariamente obligado.
A vergazos - Golpes repetitivos. Sometimiento.
Aflojó - Cedió, dio de si.
Ah! chingá!!!? - En Serio?
Muy chingón, no? - Cuestionar sobre el intelecto o los actos de otro.
No mames! - Denota incredulidad, asombro ante la magnitud de un hecho
Al Chile - Hablar con la verdad.
Al Chilazo - Hecho sin cuidado.
Atorar - Perjudicar.
Ay no mames! - No molestes. No te creo.
Cabronazo - Golpe seco, duro.
Cagadito - Persona de humor desagradable, NON GRATO.
Cagado - Con gracia natural, desbordante,chistoso.
Cagante - Persona que incomoda, detestable.
Cajeto - Dicese de aquel con suerte.
Chafa - De mala calidad.
Chale - Incapacidad de comprensión.
Chido - Bueno, aceptable.
Chile - Activo principal del macho.
Chingaderita - Pequeñito.
Chingo a mi madre si no.. - Créeme!
Chingó a su madre - Desperfecto ocasionado, Pérdida de alguién conocido, amenaza de violencia
Como está el pedo? Forma en que se establecen los acontecimientos, solicitud de explicación.
Cuál es el pedo? - Indagación de los acontecimientos.
Culero - Aquel de malos sentimientos. De pésimos acabados.
De Huevos - Imperante. Espontáneo. Actuar sin permiso.
De Hueva - Sin interés. Hacer algo con flojera.
Échale Huevos - Manifiesta mayor interés. Poner todo el entusiasmo.
Enchilado - Molesto.
Está pinche - Carente de calidad. Feo.
Estás cabrón - Denota admiración por otro. Reconocimiento a su grandeza.
Huevón - Perezoso. Cansado, fatigado. Mayor de edad.
Güey - Tonto. Vulnerable ante la vida.
Hasta la madre! - Expresión que denota saciedad. Muy borracho.
Hijo de su pinche madre - Aquel que se sale de los cánones.
Jetear - Conciliar el sueño. Acto de dormir.
Jeta - Gesticulación adversa. Malencarado.
Jodido - Carente de recursos. Reprimido.
Madrazo - Impacto violento.
Madriza - Contusiones desagradables.
Mamado - Fuerte. Musculoso.
Mamón - Persona con aires de grandeza y poder.
Me cagué - Obtención del Éxito sorpresivo.
Me castra - Denota molestia.
Me corto un huevo - Lo juro.
Me dió culo - Miedo, temor.
Me sacó un pedo - Susto sorpresivo .
Meco - Magnitud, grandeza.
!Mis Huevos! - Negación, incredulidad.
!No Chingues! - Protesto.
!No mames! - Sugerencia de no rebasar el límite.
Pa'mearlo - De aspecto desagradable.
Pedero - Persona agresiva. Sujeto mentiroso.
Pedote - Problema mayúsculo, fuera de control.
Pendejear - Paseo por el parque, divagar.
Pendejo - Carente de facultades.
Pito - (Ver chile).
Pura mierda - Basura.
!Puta madre! - Saturación
Putiza - (Vease Madriza).
Que hueva - Expresión que denota falta deinterés, cansancio.
!Que huevos! - Ímpetus desorbitados. Valentía.
!Que peda! - Expresión que denota asombro a la mañana siguiente de la reunión.
Que poca madre! - Decepción.
Qué onda KA!.. Qué onda güey..! - Saludo fraternal.
Qué pedo? - Reto al adversario. Cuestionamiento incrédulo.
Sancho - Aquel que se divierte mientras otros trabajan.
Son mamadas - Repulsión a ciertos actos.
Te armaron un pancho - Objeción de la conducta
Carta de una ex-novia a su ex-novio..
Recibi tu carta y me sorprendi, que pen-
sandolo bien eres muy tonto y por eso te
dejo, te imaginaste que me ibas a co-
nocer mas; yo valgo mucho como mu-
jer, espero que tu comprendas que for-
malizar estas relaciones, nunca se podrian comu-
This can be frustrating, and if this bug is taking place repeatedly, it can also make your computer unusable. My screen keeps scrolling down.
nicar, asi por asi no se puede.
Asi mismo te hago saber que no soy pu-
ritana pero tampoco una gran ton-
ta, mis hermanas me dijeron que tu ver-
dadera intencion hacia nosotras, no nos ala-
ga, es deplorable y que no sirve para for-
mar un hogar, esto te lo quiero comu-
nicar las veces que yo desee.
Yo quiero un hombre fuerte, que pueda cu-
brir mis sentimientos y que posea amor fami-
liar todos los dias y en varias posi-
bilidades, y triunfar en la vida en situa-
ciones por dificiles que sean. Creo que co-
nocer la dicha conyugal que deseamos toda mu-
jer es lo mas importante de la vida.
[ AHORA VUELVELA A LEER, SALTANDOTE UNA LINEA
Carta de un bebe
Hola mami, ¿cómo estás? Yo, muy bien, gracias a Dios hace apenas unos días me concebiste en tu panzita. La verdad no te puedo explicar lo contento que estoy de saber que tú vas a ser mi mamá, otra cosa que también me llena de orgullo es el ver con el amor con el que fui concebido..
Todo parece indicar que voy a ser el niño más feliz del mundo!
Mami, ha pasado ya un mes desde mi concepción, y ya empiezo a ver como mi cuerpecito se empieza a formar,digo, no estoy tan bonito como tú, pero dame una oportunidad. Estoy MUY feliz! Pero hay algo que me tiene un poco preocupado..
Ultimamente me he dado cuenta de que hay algo en tu cabezita que no me deja dormir, pero bueno, ya se te pasará, no te apures.
Mami, ya pasaron dos meses y medio y la verdad estoy feliz con mis nuevas manitos y de veras que tengo ganas de utilizarlas para jugar. Mamita dime que te pasa, por que lloras tanto todas las noches?
Por qué cuando papi y tú se ven se gritan tanto?
Ya no me quieren, o qué? Voy a hacer lo posible para que me quieran.
Han pasado ya 3 meses, mami, te noto muy deprimida, no entiendo que pasa, estoy muy confundido. Hoy en la mañana fuimos con el doctor y te hizo una cita para mañana.
No entiendo, yo me siento muy bien..acaso te sientes mal, mamita?
Mami, ya es de día, ¿a donde vamos?
Qué pasa, mami ¿por qué lloras? No llores, si no va a pasar nada..
Oye mami, no te acuestes, apenas son las 2 de la tarde, es muy temprano para irse a la cama aparte, no tengo nada de sueño, quiero seguir jugando con mis manitas.
¡Ay, ah! ¿Qué hace ese tubito en mi casita?
¿A poco es un juguete nuevo? ¡Oigan!
¿Por qué están succionando mi casa?
MAMI! ¡Esperen! Esa es mi manito!
Señor, por qué me la arrancan? ¿que no ve que me duele? ah! Mami defiéndeme!
Mama..ayúdame! ¿Que no ves que todavía estoy muy chiquito y no me puedo defender?
Mami, mi piernita, me la están arrancando! Por favor diles que ya no sigan, te lo juro que ya me voy a portar bien ya no te vuelvo a patear. ¿Cómo es posible que un ser humano me pueda hacer esto? Va a ver cuando sea grande y fuer..ah..te.Mami, ya no puedo más, me ay..mami..mami..ayúdame..
-Mami, han pasado ya 17 años desde aquel día, y yo desde aquí observo como todavía te duele esa decisión que tomaste.
Por favor, ya no llores, acuérdate que te quiero mucho y aquí te estoy esperando con muchos abrazos y besos.
Te quiere mucho,
Tu bebé.
Hagamos conciencia, pasenla a todos sus amigos
por favor.
Digamos NO al ABORTO.
EL ABORTO ES ASESINATO.
Saben que esa es la tristeza mas grande que le puede dar a un ángel que fue enviado por dios para cuidar de esa criatura desde el momento en que fue concebida, para que por ignorancia de la sociedad le arrebataran la vida a un bebe, a un hijo de dios, a un alma blanca e inocente. Si matas a tu hijo abortando o haces que alguien aborte, recuerda que ya eres un asesino(a), solo Dios puede perdonarte, solo y solo si te arrepientes de corazón, si estas leyendo esto y piensas hacerlo desde ahora te digo que no habra espacio para ti en el reino de los cielos. Si fue un error de juventud o si fue una violación, o fue algo no deseado, No pero NO le quietes la vida que el bebe no tiene la culpa. Sabes bien que hay centros de adopcion, donde frecuentan muchas parejas que no pueden tener hijos. Si no quieres tener un hijo y ya viene en camino, no le quietes el sueño a otros que en verdad lo quieren de corazón y no pueden. Dalo en adopción, es la mejor alternativa. Estoy seguro que Dios y sus ángeles prefieren sobre todas las cosas que des tu hijo en adopción antes de que le quites la vida. ¿Crees que nacistes el día en que celebras tu cumpleaños? Para la sociedad si, pero para Dios y los ángeles tu nacistes el día en que te concibierón, dale la oprtunidad de nacer, de ser libre, por favor no lo mates.
CARTA DE UN PADRE A SUS HIJOS
Amado(a) hijo(a):
EL DIA QUE ESTEMOS VIEJOS
Y YA NO SEAMOS LOS MISMOS :
TEN PACIENCIA Y COMPRENDENOS
Cuando derrame comida sobre mi camisa y olvide como atarme mis zapatos tenme paciencia recuerda las horas que pase enseñandote a hacer las mismas cosas.
Si cuando conversas conmigo, repito y repito las mismas palabras y sabes de sobra como termina, no me interrumpas y escúchame. Cuando eras pequeño para que te durmieras, tuve que contarte miles de veces el mismo cuento hasta que cerrabas los ojitos.
Cuando estemos reunidos y sin querer, haga mis necesidades, no te avergüences y comprende que no tengo la culpa de ello, pues ya no puedo controlarlas. Piensa cuantas veces cuando niño te ayude y estuve pacientemente a tu
lado esperando a que terminaras lo que estabas haciendo.
No me reproches porque no quiera bañarme; no me regañes por ello. Recuerda los momentos que te perseguí y los mil pretextos que te inventaba para hacerte más agradable tu aseo.
Cuando me veas inútil e ignorante frente a todas las cosas tecnológicas que ya no podré entender, te suplico que me des todo el tiempo que sea necesario para no lastimarme con tu sonrisa burlona.
Acuérdate que fui yo quien te enseñó tantas cosas. Comer, vestirte y como enfrentar la vida tan bien como lo haces, son producto de mi esfuerzo y perseverancia.
Cuando en algún momento, mientras conversamos, me llegue a olvidar de que estamos hablando, dame todo el tiempo que sea necesario hasta que yo recuerde, y si no puedo hacerlo no te impacientes; tal vez no era importante
lo que hablaba y lo único que quería era estar contigo y que me escucharas en ese momento.
Si alguna vez ya no quiero comer, no me insistas. Sé cuanto puedo y cuando no debo.
También comprende que con el tiempo, ya no tengo dientes para morder ni gusto para sentir.
Cuando mis piernas fallen por estar cansadas para andar..
dame tu mano tierna para apoyarme como lo hice yo cuando comenzaste a caminar con tus débiles piernitas.
Por último, cuando algún día me oigas decir que ya no quiero vivir y solo quiero morir, no te enfades … Algún día entenderás que esto no tiene que ver con tu cariño o cuanto te ame …
Trata de comprender que ya no vivo sino que sobrevivo, y eso no es vivir …
Siempre quise lo mejor para ti y he preparado los caminos que has debido recorrer
Piensa entonces que con este paso que me adelanto a dar, estaré construyendo para ti otra ruta en otro tiempo, pero siempre contigo.
No te sientas triste, enojado o impotente por verme así. Dame tu corazón, compréndeme y apóyame como lo hice cuando empezaste a vivir.
De la misma manera como te he acompañado en tu sendero, te ruego me acompañes a terminar el mío. Dame amor y paciencia, que te devolveré gratitud y sonrisas con el inmenso amor que tengo por ti.
Atentamente:
TUS PADRES
¿Por qué nos va mal en los examenes?
Un año tiene 365 dias para que podamos estudiar.
Despues de sacar 52 domingos,solo nos quedan 313 dias.
En verano hay 50 dias en los que hace demasiado calor para poder estudiar asi que nos quedamos con 263 dias.
Dormimos 8 horas al dia,al año suponen 122 dias, asi que ahora estamos con 141 dias.
Si nos damos 1 hora al dia para hacer lo que nos de la gana, 15 se han ido, asi nos quedan 126 dias.
Gastamos 2 horas al dia en comer, asi que usamos de esta manera 30 dias y nos quedan solamente 96 en nuestro año.
Gastamos 1 hora al dia hablando con amigos y familiares,eso nos quita 15 dias mas, nos quedan 81.
Examenes y tests nos toman como minimo 35 dias en nuestro año,asi que solo quedan 46.
Sacando aproximadamente 40 dias de vacaciones y fiestas, nos quedamos solamente con 6 dias.
Digamos que como minimo estás 3 dias enfermo,estás entonces con solo 3 dias para poder estudiar!
Digamos tambien que solo sales por 2 dias! solo queda 1 dia!!!!
Pero ese unico dia..es tu cumpleaños!..asi que..
¡¡¡¡¡¡BUENA SUERTE A TODOS LOS QUE ESTEN DE EXAMENES!!!!!!
SUTILES DIFERENCIAS ENTRE EL BAÑO DE UN HOMBRE Y EL DE UNA MUJER
EL BAÑO DE LA MUJER.
Se quita la ropa delicadamente y la coloca en la cesta de la ropa sucia según la tonalidad de los colores.Camina hacia el baño con su bata, si ve a su novio/marido en el camino, se tapa bien el cuerpo y sale corriendo hacia el baño.Se para frente al espejo y detalla su físico. Saca la barriga para poder quejarse mas de lo “gorda” que esta.Se mete a la bañera. Se talla cada área del cuerpo con una toallita diferente; se pone shampoo de fresa y enjuague de aguacate con miel, finalmente se talla con jabón de durazno y almendras.Se quita el acondicionador del pelo (este proceso se lleva como 10 min. Porque hay que estar seguro de quitarse todo el acondicionador).Se afeita las axilas y las piernas. Considera afeitarse el área del bikini, pero decide depilárselo.Se escurre todas las partes mojadas dentro de la ducha.Sale de la regadera y se seca con un toallón del tamaño de África.Se pone una toalla súper absorbente en la cabeza.Regresa a su habitación con su bata larga.Si ve a su novio/marido en el camino, se tapa toda, y sale corriendo para su habitación.Se pasa una hora y media vistiéndose.
EL BAÑO DEL HOMBRE.
Se rasca los huevos, mientras decide bañarse o irse sin bañar.Dice: “¡Puta, que weva!”, se echa un pedo, se quita toda la ropa mientras esta sentado en la cama y la avienta al suelo.Se va encuerado hasta el baño. Si ve a su novia/esposa en el camino, le enseña el pito y hace un sonido como de elefante.Se para frente al espejo para ver su físico. Mete la barriga, se ve el tamaño del pito en el espejo, se rasca las bolas y se huele las manos por última vez antes de bañarse.Se mete en la regadera. Se lava la cara con jabón azul. Se lava el pelo con jabón azul.Se hace un peinado “punk”. Abre la cortina de la regadera para verse en el espejo el peinado “punk”.Se caga de risa por cómo se oye cuando se echa un pedo dentro de la regadera mientras que no sabe ni como aguantarse el olor.Mea dentro de la regadera (atinándole al hoyo).Se da cuenta de que todo el baño esta mojado porque dejó la cortina por fuera de la regadera. Por su puesto, le vale madre.Se sale de la regadera y se medio seca.Deja la cortina abierta, el jabón azul en el piso y la alfombra del baño mojada. Deja la luz del baño prendida.Regresa a su cuarto con una toalla en la cintura. Si ve a su novia/esposa en el camino se quita la toalla, le enseña el pito y vuelve a hacer un sonido como de elefante.Tira la toalla mojada en la cama y se viste en 2 minutos
Es verdad!!
'El que madruga..
encuentra todo cerrado'
'Dime con quien andas..
y si esta bueno me lo mandas'
'Ojos que no ven..
zapatos llenos de caca'
'Siembra un árbol..
has feliz a un perro'
Barriguita llena..
segurito para el baño'
'Amor de lejos..
felices los cuatro'
'Caballo regalado..
tiene que ser robado'
'Hazlo bien..
sin mirar con quien'
'Cuando un millonario pasa a mejor vida..
sus herederos también'
'El amor es ciego..
solo el matrimonio puede devolverle la vista'
'El trabajo en equipo es esencial..
te permite echarle la culpa a otro'
'La suerte de la fea..
a la bonita le vale madre'
'Mas vale prevenir..
que amamantar'
'El que ríe ultimo..
no entendió el chiste'
De burro de planchar: planas y quemadas
De Derbez: las ves un día y te ríes toda la semana
De medico: las ves y te curas
De submarinos: esponjaditas, esponjaditas
De mejoral: planas y con raya en medio
De tarea: planas, planas y mal hechas
De cuarto de vecindad: metidas, metidas y hasta el fondo
De tesoro de Cuauhteacutemoc: nunca nadie las ha visto
De columpio de parque: colgadas y muy usadas
De pera: colgadas pero buenas
De durazno: redondas, sonrosadas y aterciopeladas
De ciencias sociales: tienen mucha historia y todos las reconocen
De cebolla: están para llorar
De tomate de Sinaloa: buenas y coloradas
De peso mexicano: muy devaluadas
De viuda: tristes y apachurradas
De viuda alegre: tristes pero inspiradas
De mansión de millonario: quitan la inspiración
De Kung-Fu: cun fun..didas con la espalda.
El PeRrItO!!!
Un señor va de cacería al África y
se lleva su perrito Maltess para no
sentirse solo en ese lugar.
Un día ya en la expedición, el perrito,
correteando mariposas se aleja del grupo y
se extravía y comienzan a vagar solo por la selva.
En eso ve a lo lejos que viene una pantera enorme
a toda carrera. Al ver que la pantera se lo va a devorar, piensa rápido qué hacer.
En eso ve un montón de huesos de un animal muerto y se pone a mordisquearlos.
Entonces, cuando la pantera está a punto de atacarlo, el perrito dice:'
¡Ah!, ¡qué rica pantera me acabo de chingar!!'
La pantera lo alcanza a escuchar y frenando en seco, gira y sale
despavorida pensando, quien sabe que animal será ese no me
vaya a comer a mí también!
Un mono que andaba trepado en un árbol cercano y que había visto y oído la
escena sale corriendo tras la pantera para contarle como la engañó el
perrito: 'cómo serás pendejo esos huesos ya
estaban ahí, además es un simple perro.
El perrito alcanza a darse cuenta de la
mariconada del mono.
Después que el mono le contó a la pantera la
historia de lo que vio, esta última muy encabronada le dice al mono.
'¡Súbete a mi espalda, ahora vamos donde ese perro a ver quién se come a
quién!'. Y salen corriendo en chinga a buscar al perrito.
El perrito ve a lo lejos que se le venía la
pantera nuevamente en chinga,
y esta vez con el mono chismoso encima.
-'¿¿Y ahora qué hago??, dice todo asustado el perrito.
Entonces, el perrito, en vez de salir corriendo, se queda sentado dándoles la espalda como si no los hubiera visto, y en cuanto la pantera está a
punto de atacarlo de nuevo, el perrito dice:
-'¡Este mono hijo de la chingada!,
hace como media hora que lo mandé a traerme otra
pantera y todavía no aparece!'
MORALEJA:
'EN MOMENTOS DE CRISIS, SOLO LA
IMAGINACIÓN ES MAS IMPORTANTE QUE
EL CONOCIMIENTO'.
Procura ser imaginativo como el perro, evita ser pendejo como la pantera,
per
o nunca seas chismoso como el Pinche MONO
Una señora pidió a sus tres hijas que
cuando se casaran la llamaran al día siguiente de la primera noche para contarle lo más disimuladamente posible sobre el desempeño sexual de sus maridos, utilizando el lema de algún anuncio comercial. Luego de su primera noche, la hija mayor la llamó y sólo le dijo: NESCAFE.
La señora quedó confundida, hasta que más tarde vio un anuncio de NESCAFE que decía:
'SATISFACCIÓN HASTA LA ÚLTIMA GOTA'.
Tiempo después se casó su segunda hija, y a la mañana siguiente la llamó para decirle entre suspiros: COLCHONES ROSEN.
La mamá busco la publicidad de Colchones Rosen y leyó complacida:
'VIVE LA VIDA CON TU KING SIZE' (extra grande).
Por último se casó la hija menor, que sólo la llamó una semana después, y casi sin voz le susurró: AMERICAN AIRLINES.
La mamá buscó frenéticamente un anuncio de American Airlines, y antes de desmayarse leyó:
'4 VECES AL DIA, 7 DÍAS A LA SEMANA, LOS 365 DÍAS DEL AÑO, TODAS LAS RUTAS.'
TODO LO QUE SIGNIFICA LA MADRE PARA LOS MEXICANOS.!
Alegria..Que a toda Madre
Ubicacion geografica..Donde esta esa Madre
Valor dietetico..Tragate esa Madre
Adjetivo calificativo..Que poca Madre
Eceticismo..No te creo ni Madre
Venganza..Vamos a darle en la Madre
Accidente..Se dio en la Madre
Efecto visual..No se ve ni madre
Sentido del olfato..Eso huele a Madres
Especulacion..Qu es esa Madre?
Superlativo..A todisisima Madre
Expresión de alegria..Que Madre tan buena!
Sorpresa..Madresss!!!
Exceso de velocidad..Va hecho la Madre
Egoismo..No me dio ni Madre
Sentido del gusto..Eso sabe a Madres
Pasado imperfecto..Que poca Madre
Como accion..Vamos a hacer esa Madre
Accion futura..Vamos a terminar esa Madre
Animos..Andale con esa Madre
Desorden..Que Desmadre
Despectivo..No se que Madres se cree!! o Vale Madre!
Alquimista..Lo que toca le da en la Madre
Juramento..Por mi Madre
Mecanica..Como funciona esta Madre
Reparacion..Y que vaya jalando esta Madre
Reclamo..No tienes Madre - o - Que poca Madre
Negativa rotunda..Ni Madres!!!
P.D.
Y dice el dicho 'Madre..solo hay una'
POR QUE LA MUJER VALE MAS QUE UN HOMBRE?
SITUACION ECONOMICA DE LA MUJER:
1. Tiene 2 glandulas mamarias que producen 2 litros de leche $11.00 c/litro son $22.00
2. Tiene 2 jamones de piernas $60.00 c/u son $120.00
3. Un bollo bien grande $20.00
GRAN TOTAL: $162.00
SITUACION ECONOMICA DEL HOMBRE:
1. Un platano ($ 1.00)
2. Dos huevos ($1.00 c/u) son $2.00
3. Dos glandulas mamarias que no producen nada $0.00
GRAN TOTAL: $3.00
Nota: Ademas el hombre produce perdidas porque sus huevos no se comen y
su pajarito ?..NI CANTA
PLEGARIA PARA ENCONTRAR AL HOMBRE PERFECTO
Las mujeres tienen que repetirla todas las noches y confiar en lograrlo..
San Antonio, encuentrame novio.
San Alejo, que no sea pendejo.
San Hilario, que me de todo el Salario.
San Gabriel, que me sea Fiel.
San Eleazar, que me saque a pasear.
Amén
Tipos de hombres
Tipo Cafe: Los mejores son ricos, calientes, con cuerpo y te mantienen despierta toda la noche.
Tipo Cemento: Despues de esparcidos. tardan un buen rato en ponerse duros.
Tipo Chocolate: Dulces, suaves.. y generalmente se van directo a tus caderas.
Tipo Batidora: Crees necesitar uno pero no sabes realmente para que.
Tipo Tormenta de nieve: Nunca sabes cuando se viene, cuantos centimetros tendra y cuanto puede durar.
Lo que desean las mujeres de los hombres según la edad:
A los 16 años:
1. Que sea lindo
2. Que tenga auto.
3. Que yo le importe.
A los 21 años:
1. Buen mozo.
2. Encantador y educado.
3. Financieramente exitoso.
4. Dulce y comprensivo.
5. Inteligente.
6. Atlético.
7. Que vista con estilo.
8. Que aprecie las mejores cosas de la vida.
9. Lleno de sorpresas.
10. Que sea un amante imaginativo y romántico.
A los 32 años:
1. Que se vea decente, preferentemente con pelo.
2. Que me abra la puerta del auto, y sostenga la silla para que me siente.
3. Que tenga suficiente dinero para una linda cena.
4. Que se ría de mis chistes.
5. Que me cargue las bolsas de verduras.
6. Que tenga al menos un traje.
7. Que aprecie una buena comida casera.
8. Que recuerde los cumpleaños y aniversarios.
9. Que quiera hacer el amor al menos una vez por semana.
10. Que se bañe.
A los 40 años:
1. No demasiado feo, incluso puede ser pelado.
2. Trabajo fijo.
3. Que me lleve a cenar ocasionalmente.
4. Que diga si con la cabeza cuando hablo.
5. Que recuerde los finales de los chistes.
6. Que tenga suficiente salud como para mover los muebles.
7. Que use una camisa que le tape la panza.
8. QUe se acuerde de bajar la tapa del inodoro.
9. Que se afeite la mayoría de los fines de semana.
A los 55 años:
1. Que se corte los pelos de la oreja y la nariz.
2. Que no eructe o se rasque en público.
3. Que al menos tenga un poquito de plata ahorrada.
4. Que no repita el mismo chiste demasiadas veces.
6. Que al menos salga de la cama los fines de semana.
7. Que use medias del mismo par y ropa interior limpia.
8. Que aprecie una buena comida comprada.
9. Que recuerde los nombres de las personas.
10. Que se afeite de vez en cuando.
A los 65 años:
1. Que no asuste a los niños.
2. Que se acuerde adónde está el baño.
3. Que no sea muy caro de mantener.
4. Que no ronque muy fuerte.
5. Que recuerde porqué se ríe.
6. Que esté bien de salud como para poder pararse por sí mismo.
7. Que use algo de ropa.
8. Que recuerde adónde dejó sus dientes.
9. Que me reconozca.
A los 75 años:
1. Que respire.
2. Que haga pis adentro del inodoro
Todo lo que siempre necesite saber,lo aprendí de mi Mami Mi madre me enseño a:
APRECIAR UN TRABAJO BIEN HECHO:
Si se van a matar, haganlo afuera. Acabo de terminar de limpiar!
Mi madre me enseño RELIGION:
'Mejor reza para que esta mancha salga de la alfombra.
'Mi madre me enseño LOGICA:
'Porque yo lo digo, por eso.. y punto!!!!
Mi madre me enseño PREDICCIONES:
'Asegurate que estas usando ropa interior limpia y sin hoyos, en caso que
tengas un accidente'
Mi madre me enseño IRONIA:
'Sigue llorando y yo te voy a dar una razon verdadera para que llores.'
Mi madre me enseño a ser AHORRATIVO:
'Guarda las lagrimas para cuando yo muera!!!'
Mi madre me enseño OSMOSIS:
'Cierra la boca y come !!!!!
Mi madre me enseño CONTORSIONISMO:
'Mira la suciedad que tienes en la nuca, fijate!
Mi madre me enseño FUERZA Y VOLUNTAD:
'Te vas a quedar sentado hasta que te comas todo.
'Mi madre me enseño METEOROLOGIA:
'Parece que un huracan paso por tu cuarto.
Mi madre me enseño HIPOCRESIA:??
'Te he dicho un millon de veces que no seas exagerado!!
Mi madre me enseño EL CICLO DE LA VIDA:
'Te traje a este mundo, y te puedo sacar de el.
Mi madre me enseño MODIFICACION DE PATRONES DEL COMPORTAMIENTO:
'Deja de actuar como tu padre!!!!!
Mi madre me enseño ENVIDIA:
'Hay millones de ninos menos afortunados en este mundo que no tienen una mama tan maravillosa como la tuya!
Mi madre me enseño habilidades de VENTRILOQUIA:
'No rezongues, callate y contestame: Por que lo hiciste?
'Mi madre me enseño tecnicas de ODONTOLOGIA:
'Me vuelves a contestar y te estampo los dientes en la pared !!!
Mi madre me enseño RECTITUD:
'Te voy a enderezar de un solo cachete'
GRACIAS MAMA..
Como eres segun el mes en que naciste!
ENERO:
Ambicioso y serio. Le gusta enseñar y que le enseñen. Siempre están buscando los defectos y las debilidades de las personas. Les gusta criticar. Trabajadores y productivos. Inteligentes y organizados. Sensibles y tienen profundos pensamientos. Saben como hacer felices a los demás. Callados a no ser que estén tensos. Reservados. Muy atentos. Propensos a los resfriados. Románticos pero no lo expresan facilmente. Adoran los niños. Leales. Tienen grandes habilidades sociales. Se ponen celosos facilmente. Inmutable en sus juicios y muy precavido con el dinero.
FEBRERO:
Pensamientos abstractos. Inteligentes y astutos.
Temperamento cambiante. Temperamentales. Callados, tímidos y humildes. Honestos y leales. Aman la libertad. Rebeldes cuando se les restringe. demasiado sensibles y se les lastima facilmente. Les da rabia muy facilmente. Les gusta hacer amigos pero rara vez lo demuestran. Arriesgados y obstinados. Ambiciosos. Tienen muy claras sus metas y sueños. Buen entendedor. Aman el entretenimiento y el tiempo libre. Romanticos adentro, pero no por fuera. Supersticiosos. Despilfarran el dinero.
MARZO:
Personalidad interesante. Cariñosos. Tímidos y reservados. Honestos, generosos y simpáticos. Les gusta la paz y la calma. Sensibles hacia los demás. Les gusta servir a las personas. Les da rabia y se enojan fácilmente. Personas en las que se puede confiar. Amables. Buenos observadores, cariñosos y simpre un amigo fiel en el que podras confiar, es raro que este tipo de personas te traicionen, Vengativos. Les gusta soñar e imaginarse cosas. Les encanta viajar. Toman decisiones a la ligera eligiendo pareja. Les encanta decorar casas y ambientes. Tienen talento para la música. Caprichosos.
ABRIL:
Activos y dinámicos. Toman decisiones y luego se arrepienten de ellas. Fuertes mentalmente. Les encanta que les pongan atención. Amigables y les gusta a ayudar a los demás a resolver sus problemas. Valientes. Aventureros por naturaleza. Suaves y generosos. Mimosos. Tienen buena memoria. Les gusta motivar a los demás. Usualmente se enferman de la cabeza o del pecho.
MAYO:
Obstinados. No se rinden hasta conseguir lo que quieren. Buen entendedor. Se enojan facilmente. Nunca pasan desapercibidos. Sentimientos muy profundos. Atractivos fisicamente y tienen una personalidad muy especial. Son personas fáciles de consolar. Les encanta soñar. Intuitivos. Usualmente se enferman del oido y del cuello. Buena imaginación. Les gusta la literatura y las artes. Les encanta viajar. Les molesta estar en casa. No les gusta mucho la idea de tener muchos niños. Trabajadores. Dadivosos.
JUNIO:
Piensan a largo plazo. Son facilmente manipulados. Amables y delicados al hablar. Tienen muchas ideas. Sensibles. Dudan mucho y tienden a aplazar las cosas. Siempre quieren lo mejor.Temperamentales. Divertidos y tienen buen sentido del humor. Les encantan las bromas. Buen conversador. Amigables.
Saben como hacer amigos. Es lastimado facilmente. Propenso a
tener resfriados. Se aburre facilmente. Le da mucha importancia a cosas que no la tienen. Rara vez muestran sus emociones. Les toma mucho tiempo recuperarse luego de ser lastimados. Obstinados.
JULIO:
Son personas agradables para estar con ellas. Reservadas. Personas dificiles de comprender. Callados a no ser que esten tensos. Son personas que se consuelan facilmente. Honestos. Les importa mucho los sentimientos de los demás. Prudentes. Amigables. Se les puede hablar facilmente. Impredecibles. Caprichosos, temperamento cambiante y se pueden lastimar facilmente. Ingenioso y ocurrente. No son vengativos. Perdonan pero nunca olvidan. Les molestan las cosas a las que no le ven utilidad. Les gusta guiar a los demás. Sensibles. Mimosos, tienen gran necesidad de cariño y de sentirse queridos. Siempre tratan de tratar a todos por igual. Simpáticos. Buen entendedor. Precavidos. Juzgan a las personas por lo que ellos ven. Trabajadores. No tienen dificultades con el estudio. Les encanta la soledad. Siempre meditan con preocupación acerca del pasado y los viejos amigos. Les gusta estar callados. Caseros, les gusta permanecer en casa. No buscan amigos, prefieren que los demás los busquen a ellos. No son agresivos a menos que los provoquen. Suelen enfermarse del estómago. Les encanta sentirse queridos. Se lastiman facilmente y les toma mucho tiempo reponerse del daño que les hicieron.
AGOSTO:
Les encantan las bromas. Atractivos. Delicados.
Valientes. Tienen cualidades de líder. Saben consolar a los
demás. Pueden ser demasiado generosos como demasiado egoístas. Les encanta que los elogien. Espíritu extraordinario. Se enojan fácilmente cuando se les provoca. Celosos. Buenos observadores. Cuidadosos. Piensan rápidamente. Independientes. Le encanta liderar. Adoran soñar. Talentosos en las artes y la música. Sensibles y tolerantes. Pocas defensas ante las enfermedades. Confiables. Románticos. Consentidos. Les encanta hacer nuevos amigos.
SEPTIEMBRE:
Cuidadosos, precavidos y organizados. Les gusta
hacerle ver a los demás sus equivocaciones. Les gusta criticar.
Callados pero buenos conversadores. Calamdos. Amables y simpáticos. Personas dignas de confiar. Leales y honestos. Hacen bien el trabajo. Personas que saben guardar secretos. Sensibles, generosos. Tienen buena memoria. Astutos. Les gusta investigar acerca de nuevas cosas. Deben controlarse cuando empiezan a criticar. Buen entendedor. Divertidos. Reservados. Les encantan los deportes, el tiempo libre y viajar. No expresan sus emociones facilmente. Tienden a guardarse lo que sienten. Se demoran mucho en elegir, especialemten cuando se trata de elegir pareja.
OCTUBRE:
Les encanta conversar. Quiere a aquellos que lo quieren.
Atractivos. Bellos interior y exteriormente. Simpáticos. Sus
amigos son muy importantes. Les gusta hacer nuevos amigos. Se lastima facilmente pero asi mismo se repone. No vive del que
dirán, a el le importa su opinión y nada más. Intuitivos. Les
gusta viajar, las artes y la literatura. Delicados al hablar.
Consentidos. Romanticos!!! Muy celosos. Justo. Generoso. Se le
puede manipular facilmente. Pierde la confianza en alguien
facilmente. Le encantan los niños
NOVIEMBRE:
Tiene muchas ideas. Personas dificiles para iniciar conversación. Ideas extraordinarias. Buen entendedor. Muy intuitivos. Pueden convertirse en buenos médicos. Personalidad dinámica. Reservados. Persuasivos. Siempre estan pensando en algo. Valientes y generosos. Pacientes. Obstinados y tercos. Son de los que piensan que si hay algo que hacer, tiene que haber un modo para hacerlo. Nunca se rinden. Se enojan facilmente independientemente de que los provoquen o no. Les gusta la soledad. Piensan diferente a los demás. No aprecian los elogios. Romántico. Inestable en las relaciones. Le gusta permanecer en casa. Trabajador. Confiable. Honesto y sabe conservar secretos. No controla sus emociones. Impredecible.
DICIEMBRE:
Leal y generoso. Patriota. Activo en los juegos.
Impaciente. Ambicioso. Manipulador. Divertido. Le encanta estar rodeado de personas. Le gusta que lo elogien y que le pongan atención. Le gusta sentirse querido. Honesto. No son de mal genio. Personalidad cambiante. No son egoistas. Le encantan las bromas. Buen sentido del humor. Lógico.
Snagged from friend list
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
If someone says 'Is this okay?' you say:
Who wants to live forever
How would you describe yourself?
Superman
What do you like in a guy/girl?
Phantom of the Opera
How do you feel today?
Kryptonite
What is your life's purpose?
Its time to come home
What is your motto?
black fire
What do your friends think of you?
time after time
What do your parents think of you?
smooth
What do you think about often?
imagine
What is 2 2?
highway to hell
What do you think of your best friend?
disease
What do you think of the person you like?
TNT
What is your life story?
Fury of the storm
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Story of a girl
What do you think when you see the person you like?
My wish
What will you dance to at your wedding?
Time of dying
What will they play at your funeral?
I'm no angel
What is your hobby/interest?
A sorta fairy tale
What is your biggest fear?
Now and forever
What is your biggest secret?
Back to good
What do you think of your friends?
Last resort
Asi son los hombres
Los hombres que son buena onda, son feos.
Los hombres guapos, no son buena onda.
Los hombres guapos y buena onda, son gays.
Los hombres guapos, buena onda y heterosexuales estan casados.
Los hombres no tan guapos pero buena onda, no tiene dinero.
Los hombres no tan guapos y sin dinero, estan tras nuestro dinero.
Los hombres no tan guapos pero buena onda y con dinero, creen que estamos tras su dinero.
Los hombres guapos, no tan buena onda y razonablemente heterosexuales, no creen que seamos lo suficientemente guapas.
Los hombres que creen que somos guapas, razonablemente buena onda y tienen dinero, son unos cobardes.
Los hombres razonablemente guapos, razonablemente buena onda, y tienen algo de dinero, son timidos y nunca toman la iniciativa!!!!!!!!!
Los hombres que nunca toman la iniciativa, pierden automaticamente el interes, cuando nosotras tomamos la iniciativa.
Y ahora quien entiende a los hombres?
Si eres tierna con ellos. Eres una cursi.
Si no. Una insensible.
Si no te arreglas.. Eres una descuidada.
Si te arreglas.. Es para tontear con otro.
¿¿¿¿¿¿¿Ahora dijanme ustedes entienden a los hombres???????
El VERDADERO AMIGO
Dice una linda leyenda árabe que dos amigos viajaban por el desierto y en un determinado punto del viaje discutieron. El otro, ofendido, sin nada que decir, escribió en la arena:
'HOY, MI MEJOR AMIGO ME PEGO UNA BOFETADA EN EL ROSTRO.'
Siguieron adelante y llegaron a un oasis donde resolvieron bañarse.
El que había sido abofeteado y lastimado comenzó a ahogarse, siendo salvado por el amigo.
Al recuperarse tomó un estilete y escribió en una piedra:
'HOY, MI MEJOR AMIGO ME SALVÓ LA VIDA.'
Intrigado, el amigo preguntó:
'¿Por qué después que te lastimé, escribiste en la arena y ahora escribes en una piedra?'
Sonriendo, el otro amigo respondió:
'Cuando un gran amigo nos ofende, deberemos escribir en la arena donde el viento del olvido y el perdón se encargarán de borrarlo y apagarlo; por otro lado cuando nos pase algo grandioso, deberemos grabarlo en la piedra de la memoria del corazón donde viento ninguno en todo el mundo podrá borrarlo.'
ALGUNAS IDEAS EN CONTRA DEL REGGAETON
(tambien conocido como perreo) Idea N1: Pone al nivel de putas a las mujeres.
Idea N2: Es el machismo vuelto cancion
Idea N3: Cuando uno piensa que el hip hop es lo mas repetitivo encuentras el reggaeton
Idea N4: El unico tema que entregan las canciones: SEXO
Idea N5: La voz no importa mientras se tenga un PC cerca
Idea N6: Los videos muestran 4 cosas:
1. El culo de las mujeres.
2. Las tetas de las mismas.
3. La entrepierna de ellas.
4. Un auto lujoso conducido por el 'cantante'.
Idea N7: Visualizaciones:
Mujer: Objeto sexual.
Hombre:Se le ve como un 'Eyaculeitor'.
Idea N8: Las canciones tienen referencia a un 'eyaculeitor' que se
mete con todas las viejas que quiere, por supuesto ese tal 'hombre maestro' es el cantante (como si asi fuera en la realidad)
Idea N9: El baile: se pueden diferenciar 2 tipos:
1. El Solo: un idiota mueve sus manos para todos los lados (gran idiota) y cada cierto tiempo se agarra sus 'partes intimas' como si se le fueran a caer.
2. La 'seductora' (un hombre y una mujer, tambien se vale 2 hombres o 2 mujeres o etc): Una mujer baila como puta y un hombrehace como si se la 'violara' con ropa
P.D.: Si eres mujer y escuchas reggaeton: PARA DE UNA VEZ Y DEJA DE ESCUCHAR ESA ABERRACION!!!
Y si eres 'hombre'.. busca tu cerebro entre tus piernas y hazlo funcionar
--
'La ignorancia es audaz'
Man of Steel,
Woman of KleenexBy Larry Niven*
Things of the form (*text*) are footnotes in the original text.
He's faster than a speeding bullet. He's more powerful than a locomotive. He's able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Why can't he get a girl?
At the ripe old age of thirty-one (*Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938*), Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!
An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.
Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.
Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeland no longer exists in any form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks.
As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.
What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident in his defense of his 'secret identity.'
But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real.
The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.
I
What turns on a kryptonian?
Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain eating habits.
Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens.
What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane probably didn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy-and would be, of course, by church and common law.
II
Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman designated LL for convenience.
Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Thirty-one years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. (*One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.*)
The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles 'a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack.' One loses control over one's muscles.
Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?
III
Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.
IV
Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.
Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.
Artificial insemination may give us better results.
V
First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting the air at such speeds.
He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's faster than a speeding bullet.
But can he keep it?
All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.
What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?
Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.
At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.
Or will there?
VI
A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down her Fallopian tube.
Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube, begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.
The magic moment approaches..
Can human breed with kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code? On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match..
One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on it's surface, the cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm From entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place..
And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.
Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't stop them. They will *all* enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.
But LL's problems are just beginning.
VII
Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm scatter.
They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way to the open air.
That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one or more loops of intestine.
Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.
Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.
VIII
This is more serious than it looks.
Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite. (*And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red kryptonite that make giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million earthworm size spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls.. but I digress.*) There they are, minuscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.
Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Wormholes, charred by meteoric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets, and citizens. Some of the sperm will crack lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation.
And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate condition.
Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human egg in its panic flight, it will attack.
How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions; and kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of miles, before it gives up and dies.
Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. (*If the pubescent Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.*)
Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic diamond form..
IX
The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.
X
In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at transsonic speeds, wreaking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down?
There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.
Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.
But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then use standard techniques for artificial insemination.
By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are we out of the woods yet?
XI
Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian genes. If these are recessive, then LL carries a developing human foetus. There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the mother's health.
But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant..
Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such a power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vision, things get even worse.
But when he starts to kick, it's all over. He will kick his way out into open air, killing himself and his mother.
XII
Is there a solution?
There are several. Each has drawbacks.
We can make LL wear a kryptonite (*For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. It has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the 'planet' Krypton was a cooling black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant.*) belt around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.
A better solution is to find a host-mother.
We have not yet considered the existence of a Supergirl. (*She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would suggest differently.*) She could carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of school.
A better solution may be to implant the growing foetus in Superman himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a foetus could draw adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and where it would not cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.
When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem of cutting through Superman's invulnerable skin as an exercise for the alert reader.
The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes would circulate the prisons..and the race of Krypton would be safe at last.
Reprinted from All the Myriad Ways 1971 by Larry Niven. Reprinted with permission.
An obituary printed in the London Times.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, *Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago
lost
in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense* lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports o f a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing
a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after
lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.
Common Sense* lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense* lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense* took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home without the burglar suing you for assault.
Common Sense* finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a little in her lap
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by
his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason*.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I Want It Now;
Someone Else Is To Blame; and I'm A Victim. *
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.*
Guidelines for Legion of Doom Troops:
Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.And while you're pulling guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest them on the spot. When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell 'Intruder!' while you still have breath. When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire. Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, but it won't stop the Hero. Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason.Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does.Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Farm implements can be effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent, and some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand combat. It would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers.Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after something better.Make sure that your headgear allows for a useful field of vision.Remember that if the Hero and/or his comrades are being purposely allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get killed in your effort to 'prevent' the escape.If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil Overlord and await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her yourself.If you're on patrol and your partner mysteriously disappears, call for backup before you go look for him.If your unit's name contains words like 'Imperial', 'Elite', 'Supreme', 'Tactical', 'Storm' or 'Special', request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys always get clobbered first when the Heroes attack.
Tips for the Evil Henchman:
1. Avoid getting sent to rough up the Hero. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero, go for it!
2. Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion; the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the Hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with a few hundred hours of community service, but if you off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna out of you.
3. Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free?
4. As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's beautiful-but-wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you. Daddy will not try to stop her.
5. Learn where the trap door is in Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord.
6. As soon as the evil lord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the windmill.
7. Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all-expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines.
8. Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults from the Hero or Sidekicks.
9. No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Do not unlock the cell door.
10. If the hero gives you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
11. If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; the Sidekick will get you first.
12. If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
13. If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.
14. Practice your 'accidental' sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the Hero is winning.
15. When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says 'you haven't got the guts to kill me,' disprove his/her hypothesis.
16. The Evil Overlord will not risk his life to save yours. Why risk yours for his?
17. If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say 'no.'
18. If the Evil Overlord orders you to kill some prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt.
19. Never allow yourself to be turned into a vicious, ravening beast to defeat the Hero. It never works, and you girlfriend will not understand. She will dump you for one of the Good Guys.
20. Never hold hostages at point-blank range. Anyone quick enough to even back into the role of Hero can punch you out faster than you can pull the trigger.
21. When disposing of bodies, dump them in the Evil Overlord's territory, and not in neighboring lands presently outside of his control.
22. Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch for his secret base (the real switch, not the decoy), and disable it at the first opportunity. The base will get blown up anyway, but this way your chances of escaping are better.
23. Don't let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal.
24. If you can't avoid being used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord, any powers you gain from the experiment will make it needful for the Hero to kill you at some point during the Heroic Struggle. Change sides and take your just revenge.
25. There is no need to yell when you are attacking the Hero. Especially when you're doing it from behind.
26. The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still alive is to shoot him in the head.
If I Ever Become The Evil Overlord..
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, 'Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is about?' I'll say, 'No.' and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say 'No.'
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled 'Danger: Do Not Push'. The big red button marked 'Do Not Push' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence 'But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.'
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his ludicrously ill-planned attempt to usurp power would fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line 'No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there are others just as attractive who are not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear stainless-steel bustiers. It's hard on their morale. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has any offspring or younger siblings, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of letting them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say 'And here is the price for failure,' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me 'My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?', I will reply 'This.' and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If the beautiful princess that I capture says 'I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!', I will say 'Oh well' and kill her.
52. I will have a team of board-certified architects and surveyors examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels I don't know about.
53. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. Deformed mutants and oddball psychotics have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old advisor (see above) will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask 'Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps of my complex they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. This is only reasonable, as it encourages others to do so. However, it's a one-time offer. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. Independent midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty to see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk 'Project Overlord' and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror 'And he must be taken alive!' The command will be 'And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.'
79. If my doomsday device comes with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off, and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat, instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. 'Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.' Instead it will be more along the lines of 'Push the button.'
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence, then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me; I'll do it myself.
102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident; I'm not accountable to anyone, and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.
103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word 'mercy'; I simply choose not show them any.
104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
105. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
108. Any magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has sacrificed his/her life will be outlawed and destroyed.
109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and outlander accents shall regularly climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted that he'll never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
112. I will not rely on 'totally reliable' spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot-high double doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly unless all my soldiers are dead.
116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling 'Leave him. He's mine!'
118. If I have equipment which has some important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to 'imminent' death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses, and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for him to pull up alongside me, then try to force him off the road while he tries to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics is useful.)
135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
138. The passageways of my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140. I will instruct my guards to look for the chamber pot when checking a cell that appears empty. If it's still there, the prisoner has escaped, and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it, or he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep a three-year-old grandchild near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it's necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation that's way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords, and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
144. I will teach my guards to stand in reasonable formation when they fire at the hero so he cannot duck between them and cause them to accidentally shoot each other.
145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
146. If my surveillance reports any unmanned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
150. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to 'hand to hand combat with swords' and 'blow up the planet'.
151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, 'Quick! They went that way!', they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
157. When plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion three days after it's scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not fall into a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a gong before finishing off my enemy.
162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from above.
172. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors' name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment, instead of ancient riddles.
173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
175. I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
176. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
177. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says 'Look out behind you!!' I will not laugh and say 'You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?' Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero and scan the area behind me. If anything was heading for me, it will now be heading for him.
179. I will not outsource core functions.
180. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
182. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
184. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesotan accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornish accent (if everyone sounds British).
185. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
186. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
187. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
189. I will never tell the hero 'Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool.' Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.
190. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
191. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
192. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. The fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
194. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travelers to entrust them to aged hermits.
195. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
196. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
198. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
199. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
200. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
205. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged 'repairmen' who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Anyone caught making out in a closet and leaving their station unmanned will be shot.
208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good PR for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch, simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
210. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
212. I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
215. If I MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to be-come my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout 'Its power is now mine!!!' Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
220. If I have a single vulnerability, I will fake a different one -- for example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be 'Hmm..I think I need a shave.'
221. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. How-ever if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout 'Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!'
223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
224. I will build machines which simply fail when over-loaded, rather than wiping out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or setting off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as 'surge protectors'.
225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
226. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
227. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
228. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
229. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
230. I will not put off any ritual granting immortality.
If I Am Ever the Hero..
1. I will maintain no association with sidekicks who employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my True Love.
2. I will ignore the Evil Overlord's arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up about either, he would never have become an Evil Overlord in the first place.
3. When the Evil Overlord takes hostages, I will presume the hostages dead and hold a memorial service. Any promises made by the Evil Overlord regarding their safe return shall be summarily ignored. My loved ones will be warned to expect this.
4. I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces.
5. When the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I'll kill him then and there.
6. When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so.
7. Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated.
8. If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphose into something else, I will immediately start whacking away at it, instead of watching in fascination.
9. I will take no oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to persons of unproved character.
10. I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade.
11. I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic.
12. I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.
13. Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to rephrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.
14. I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join in my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord's realm is to collaborate with him, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining.
15. If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgement and remain to complete my training.
16. If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills.
17. I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if someone learns my secret identity.
18. If I am granted a vision of the future, I will not try to prevent anything that I see. It never works.
19. If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend or lover and fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing to accomplish the mission will probably result in their death anyway, and go on with the mission.
20. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I'll first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment, and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
21. If any of my associates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord.
22. Old flames that join the rebellion will be assigned duties that preclude contact with me. This not only protects me from any attempt by the Evil Overlord to use them as agents, but also keeps my True Love from leaving me in a fit of misplaced jealousy.
23. I will presume that the Evil Overlord is working to nullify my secret powers. I shall therefore obtain the means to fight that do not rely on these secret powers.
24. If I enter into alliances with the Evil Overlord, I will bear in mind that the rationale he has given for the alliance is not the Unvarnished Truth, and that he will betray me at the moment most advantageous to him.
25. I will never travel back into the past in order to prevent the current situation. It never works.
26. No matter how sincere he looks, I will never shake the Evil Overlord's hand.
27. When my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately.
28. Anything that appears to have been too easy--escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.--probably was too easy.
29. If the Evil Overlord invites me to go on a hunt with him, I will decline the invitation.
30. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
31. If I maintain a secret identity, I will keep my transformation ritual as simple and quick as possible so that I cannot be interrupted during it.
32. I will not keep information secret in order to prevent widespread hysteria; it never works.
33. My fortress will include a holding room for any annoying kids, nerds, would-be love interests and other wannabe-types who follow me there and insist on joining my group. They will be kept in this room until the Evil Overlord is defeated. If there are holodecks available, I will throw the wannabe into it while he/she is asleep and activate the Epic Adventure program.
34. When the Evil Overlord's Seductive Daughter tries to subvert me through her womanly wiles, I will keep in mind the diseases she is likely to have caught from all the netherwordly creatures with whom she is probably also consorting, as well as the possibility that the Evil Overlord has a hidden camera/crystal ball trained on me and is forcing my True Love to watch.
35. I will not needlessly expose myself to enemy gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, or dogfights.
36. There are three dimensions in space. I do not have to attack in the same plane as the opponent.
37. I will not count on other rebels being as self-sacrificing as I.
38. I do not need to give the Overlord a fair chance. Shooting him in the back works for me.
39. I will never say 'This one is mine!' and engage in a one-on-one struggle with the Evil Overlord or any of his henchmen; however, I might say 'This one is mine!' and stand back while my comrades, by prior arrangement, pump all available firepower into the now-distracted target.
40. If my village allies defeat the elite forces of the Evil Overlord, I will take a few minutes to learn how they did it and incorporate the information gained into my strategies.
41. If my True Love is captured and forced into marriage with the Evil Overlord, I will not attempt to rescue her until after the ceremony, unless said ceremony will irrevocably harm or alter her in some way.
42. If she doesn't already know, I shall train my True Love in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield she can slam her heel between his legs.
43. Likewise, if she doesn't already know, I shall train my True love in the art of armed combat, to the extent that her natural talents allow.
44. If through skill or luck I defeat a better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons.
45. When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's stronghold through some unorthodox route such as the main drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for that observation, rather than simply praising our good luck and pressing blithely on.
46. After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not suddenly take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part.
47. When I kill one of the Evil Overlord's deer, I will not lug it to his castle and wave it in his face just to make some obscure point, only to wind up having to fight my way out of his castle. I'll just take it home and enjoy some venison.
48. I will remember that if the Bad Guy tries to kill enough people, no one will mind too much if I kill him instead of merely disarming him. Especially if it looks like an accident.
49. If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one logical and scientific and the other a load of New Age claptrap, I will accept the scientific explanation.
50. My robots will be programmed to speak only when they have something useful to say. That way I will not be tempted to ignore them when they have critical information.
51. When I state my intention to do something and one of my robots interrupts me, I will at least hear it out.
52. I will wear different outfits from day to day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance.
53. If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built in to it. I can use it to surprise Bad Guys and open canned goods.
54. I will not have sex with anyone before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle.
55. High-sounding directives notwithstanding, I will never value culture above sentient life.
56. If I get incriminating evidence about an enemy or a superior, I will make several copies, and store each in a different location. I will not surrender the sole copy to anyone. If ordered to destroy the copies, I will do so, after first making more copies.
57. I will not try to make comrades run faster by yanking on their arms. I will instead advise them to stop turning around to look at the pursuing danger (rats, lava, etc.).
58. I will not make the sidekick wait somewhere while I go on ahead. He'll only get into worse trouble than he otherwise would.
59. Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing blood relationships to light.
60. When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.
61. After knocking out a bad guy, I will kill him silently if I can, cripple him silently if I can't kill him, or disarm him if I can neither kill nor cripple him. If I fail to do any of these, he will come to and jump me from behind.
62. My loyal, trusted and heavily armed bodyguards will always be on hand.
63. I will never leave my True Love and/or family unguarded unless they can defend themselves.
64. I will always pack as much firepower as I can.
65. I will never allow my people to speak to prisoners alone, but I will sometimes appear to do so.
66. I will maintain constant surveillance on all prisoners in case one of my people tries something behind my back.
67. If I discover a mysterious pod in my home, barn, spaceship, or alien territory, I will not stick my face into it or pick it up to see if it is alive. Instead I will have it examined via remote-controlled robot.
68. I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles.
69. I will always read the fine print.
70. Being captured by the Evil Overlord is one way to learn his secret plans, but there are innumerable other ways that are better, and they will be tried first.
71. My weapon of choice will be the one that allows the greatest distance between me and my target.
72. When I am forced to decide which of two identical people is the Trusted Ally and which is the Evil Doppelganger, I will stun them both and sort things out in the brig.
73. When I make my escape from the Evil Overlord's encampment, I will sabotage as much of the enemy's pursuit capacity (horses, jeeps, rocket bikes, etc) as opportunity permits, sparing only enough for the use of my companions and me.
74. If my trusty sidekick always blurts out the fact that I am carrying the most powerful magic object in the world, then I will get a sidekick who is less of a blabbermouth.
75. No robots serving with me will be permitted to have emotion chips.
76. I will be courteous to all, whether friend, foe, or neutral. Especially neutral.
77. I will wear a utility belt. Not everything I need will be kept there, but I will pretend that I am helpless without it in order to fool the Evil Overlord.
78. I will treat law enforcement officials with respect, permit them to handle affairs that are within their capacity, and solicit their advice when circumstances allow. This will establish mutual respect and a good rapport.
79. If I have a weakness, I will look for a Sidekick who does not share it. Failing that, I will form a mutual-support association with a Hero not sharing this weakness.
80. When sneaking into the fortress of the Evil Overlord, I will disguise myself as someone whose normal behavior I can emulate.
81. If I am in dire straits due to a lack of the rare substance that fuels my ship, I will scan my environs for supplies of the substance, paying especial attention to the natives' jewelry and other decorative artifacts.
82. My guards will be instructed so that when a voice around the corner says 'come here,' they will assume the speaker to be an intruder and respond accordingly.
83. If I am forced to retreat after being ambushed by overwhelming forces, I will not run home where it's safe; whoever is behind the ambush probably has plans for me when I get there.
84. I almost certainly have an Evil Twin running around somewhere, if not by birth then as a creation of the Evil Overlord. I will keep an eye out for him, and plan accordingly.
85. I will never allow fashion sense to prevent me from carrying whatever is useful or needful for the Heroic Struggle.
86. When the Evil Overlord tries to guilt-trip me by claiming that I'll be responsible for something he plans to do if I don't cooperate with him, I'll mercilessly quote Ayn Rand to him.
87. If the Evil Overlord wears a mask hiding his features, it's either because he doesn't want to be recognized or because he's bodaciously ugly. I will psych myself up for the shock resulting from either cause when I rip the mask off of him.
88. When someone opens the Eldritch Portal to Hell, and I have the means to close it, I will employ said means immediately, and not stop to explain things to everyone.
89. People who whine about not being trusted are either (a.) Operatives for the Evil Overlord; (b.) Mind-controlled by the Evil Overlord; (c.) Totally clueless about concepts like OPSEC and need-to-know; or (d.) Dangerously neurotic and/or immature; and are consequently not to be trusted.
90. If a mystic proclaims that my destiny is to 'defeat the darkness,' 'bring freedom to the downtrodden,' or some such other glorious accomplishment, I will immediately begin preparations for the role. I will not wait for the mystic and several other innocents to get rubbed out by the Evil Overlord.
91. If my powers depend on a talisman in my possession, I will never openly display it, but keep it hidden in my codpiece/brassiere; a flashy, gaudy article of jewelry, having no mystical potency of any kind, will be brandished when I employ my super powers.
92. I will begin my lifelong fight against crime immediately upon discovery of my powers, instead of withholding my assistance from the police, thereby allowing a minor criminal to escape and murder one of my loved ones.
93. When I am about to enter the Evil Overlord's hideout, I will have it surrounded by friendly forces so that they can detain him if he sneaks out the back door while I kick down the front door.
94. If I discover that one of my comrades in the Heroic Struggle has a Dark Secret (i.e., is passing as the opposite gender, is a close relative of the Evil Overlord, etc.), I will not dismiss them without further justification.
95. The assistance of politicians will be obtained by appealing to their self-interest. Any politician who appears to be cooperating with me out of the kindness of his heart is actually plotting to betray me at some point.
96. If my Mentor is slain in combat with the Evil Overlord or his henchmen, I will withdraw quietly, instead of shouting 'Noooooo!' at the top of my lungs.
97. Mountains and castles that are shaped like skulls, hideous faces, fists, etc., are the very Lairs of Evil. All visits will be planned accordingly.
98. Female sidekicks who are loyal and dependable make much better True Loves than do vain, pampered princesses who never give me the time of day.
99. I will ascertain the whereabouts of all relatives and possible progeny from past love affairs. It's a sure bet that the ones for whom I cannot account are now working for, or actually might be, the Evil Overlord.
Chiste Sobre A Tecnica De Rorschach Tu Que Ves Aquila
100. I will not spurn the assistance of a hermit/scholar merely because my other associates claim he is insane.
101. If I find myself born or drafted into a universe wherein the laws of nature do not obey consistent principles, I will depart for an alternate universe created by a more reasonable author.
If I Am Ever a Starfleet Captain..
102. I will design my ship's tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired.
103. I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.
104. I will design my ships so that command and control functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay.
105. I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel.
106. When combat is imminent, my ship's computer will be programmed so that enemy troops beaming aboard will be immediately beamed into empty space, or the originating ship's reactor core if possible. It will also deliver a kilo of antimatter to the bridge of the ship in question.
107. When the enemy ship decloaks and is arming weapons, I will immediately open fire on it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times.
108. When a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical I will have the computer disconnected, its memory flushed, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs.
109. Anyone who cannot be entertained by books, music, a good game of cards and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship.
110. After capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the enemy's computer systems removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A new computer will then be installed.
111. If a crew member is a sanctimonious coward who continually gets us all into trouble through his greed, I shall, after the third or fourth episode of this behavior, act to preserve myself and other comrades only, and let him be destroyed by the mess he made for himself.
112. Under no circumstance will I agree to not develop or employ any particular technology.
113. If I have a technologically superior foe who is intent on eliminating my whole civilization, and I am offered a means of utterly annihilating this foe for all time, I will use it.
114. I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals.
115. Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship.
116. To prevent the computer from being reprogrammed by every Tom, Dick and Harry that sneaks on board, its software will be stored in ROM chips that are soldered to the motherboard; RAM will be reserved for data only.
117. I will design the greatest possible degree of manual back-up into my space vessels, so that when my on-board computer begins to act strangely, I can power it down via a switch located next to my seat on the bridge, and yet not be left totally helpless.
118. I will not allow anyone to read the technical manuals and blueprints of my ship unless they work in Ops or Engineering and therefore have a need-to-know. All personnel will be properly cleared prior to assignment to Ops or Engineering. The technical manuals and blueprints of a totally fictitious craft will be freely available.
119. If my ship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle.
120. My ship's computer will have a clock rate of at least one megahertz and be programmed in C or assembler so that important calculations take a few milliseconds instead of an hour or so.
121. If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans.
122. If my ship is constantly being bugged, robbed, invaded, or taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is.
123. If knowledge of the operating frequency of a ship's system aids in efforts to disable that system, I will employ an arcane development known as 'frequency-hopping.'
124. Before letting crewmembers take leave on a planet, I will ensure that they are welcome and that its government recognizes concepts like Rule of Law, Trial by Jury, Presumption of Innocence, and so forth. I will also check out the local laws so that none of my crew ends up on death row for scratching his nose in public or some other stupid thing.
125. If one of my crewmembers is unjustly imprisoned and/or condemned, and the officials with whom I speak express a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather exonerating evidence. Instead, I will immediately mount a rescue mission.
126. When beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down.
127. If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.
128. I will not have both rotating and non-rotating sections on a ship. If I need rotational gravity, I will spin the whole ship. Any navigational computer that cannot deal with this will be replaced with one that can.
129. I will follow the advice of my Chief Medical Officer. If I am not at 100% of my usual level of physical fitness, I will stick to desk duty unless the fate of something genuinely important hangs in the balance.
130. I will assume that all super-weapons are operational until proven otherwise, especially if they appear to be unguarded.
131. All critical data and software will be backed up in off-line storage.
132. A random alien's claims about his/her/its race's cultural values and attitudes will be given no more credence than a random human's claims about human cultural values and attitudes.
133. My crew shall be trained in the fine arts of tactical combat, such as dispersing assets, walking point, advance, flank and rear guards, etc.
134. I will not throw infantry into close-quarter combat with creatures of leviathan stature, but shall turn such affairs over to the artillery crew.
135. If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year journey home, and a super-being offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I'll agree and ask what we can get for two babies.
136. If anyone beams down and their personal communicator drops carrier, all life forms within ten meters of the last known location shall be beamed directly to the brig. A large well-armed security detail will be waiting.
137. The people in charge of Sick Bay, Engineering, and R&D will not be the only people staffing those functions, nor shall they accompany away teams.
138. I will not ask 'What does God need with a space ship?' and then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder theology on the trip home.
139. My people will be assigned duties commensurate with their skills. I will not task pilots with leading a ground assault, infiltrating enemy camps, etc.
140. If I board a derelict ship, and it appears that the former crew and passengers all died in some horrible fashion, I will immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage into the nearest stellar object.
141. If I am in red alert status and discover that it was a false alarm, I will stay in red alert for a while before standing down.
142. Anyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes.
143. Any crew member who begins to act strangely will be immediately relieved of duty and confined to the sick bay, pending a complete screening to determine if their personality has been subverted.
144. I will not let the Whiz Kid conduct research aboard my ship. If he's got a theory that he's itching to test, I will deposit him on an uninhabited planet in friendly space, and make sure that I'm out of the system before he's done unpacking.
145. I will not depart the starbase unless my complement of Marines are on board.
146. I will hold repel-boarders drills on my ship. These drills will be held at random hours so that everyone learns what in Klotho's name they're supposed to be doing, no matter what the circumstances.
147. My junior officers will be notified that Academy cadets cannot be field-commissioned, and should they come upon a ship crewed entirely by such, they will immediately take command and return them to where they can receive adult supervision.
148. I will never send the infantry down on missions that are better suited for orbital bombardment.
149. If the issued zap guns have 'stun' and 'kill' modes, they will be set to the former only when the user is about to fire at something that is wanted alive.
150. If my opponent can adapt to various forms of attack, rendering them useless, I will use some imagination and start attacking in as many different ways as possible.
Mujeres VS Cerveza
CERVEZA O MUJERES?
Estas invitado a plantear nuevas alternativas.
Una CERVEZA esta siempre mojada. La MUJER no.. ¡punto para la CERVEZA! La CERVEZA es horrible si está caliente.. ¡punto para la MUJER!
Una CERVEZA helada te satisface.. ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Si regresas a casa oliendo a CERVEZA, tu mujer puede enojarse. Si llegas a casa oliendo a MUJERES, tu mujer seguro que se enoja y hasta puede dejarte.. ¡Empate!.. ya que depende del punto de vista.
Diez CERVEZAS en una noche y después no puedes manejar a casa. Diez MUJERES en una noche y no hace falta manejar a ningún lado.. ¡punto para la MUJER!.
Si un policía te siente olor a CERVEZA te puede arrestar, si el policía te siente olor a MUJERES te invita una cerveza.. ¡punto para la MUJER!
La CERVEZA cuanto más vieja, es mejor.. ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Muchas CERVEZAS pueden hacerte ver ovnis, mucha MUJERES puede hacerte ver a Dios.. ¡punto para la MUJER!
Si te preguntas como será la próxima MUJER eres normal. Si te preguntas como será la próxima CERVEZA eres un alcohólico.. ¡punto para la MUJER!
Arrancarle la etiqueta a una CERVEZA es divertido. Arrancarle los calzones a una MUJER es mucho MUCHO mas divertido.. ¡punto para la MUJER!
Por una CERVEZA pagas impuestos.. ¡punto para la MUJER!.
Si te tomas otra CERVEZA, la primera no se enoja.. ¡punto para la CERVEZA! Puedes estar siempre seguro de que eres el primero en 'destapar' una CERVEZA .. ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Si agitas una CERVEZA, después de un rato se calma sola.. ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Clara, oscura, en cualquier momento puedes escoger la CERVEZA que quieras.. punto para la CERVEZA!
Una CERVEZA sabes exactamente cuanto te va a costar.. punto para la CERVEZA!
La CERVEZA no tiene mamá.. punto para la CERVEZA!
Puedes hacerlo si quieres, pero la CERVEZA no te pedirá que la abraces durante media hora después de haberla tomado.. ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
PUNTUACIÓN FINAL: La CERVEZA le gana a la MUJER (10 a 7)
Si eres una MUJER y en este momento te estas enojando, piensa que la CERVEZA no se enojaría por esta batalla.. ¡ Otro punto para la CERVEZA!
MARCADOR FINAL 11 A 7
Se caen las Torres Gemelas, estalla la guerra en Irak, masacres por aquí y por allá sube Bush al poder y estamos a punto de reeligir a un gran hp y justo cuando las cosas no podían ponerse peor… ¡llega el Reggaeton!
¿Por qué?, ¿por qué algo cuya composición gira en torno a voces distorsionadas (señal de escasa aptitud vocal) y a un desesperante sonsonete, señal de pobre creatividad, tiene tantos seguidores?
Si tan sólo el Reggaeton fuera instrumental, ¡pero no! Aparte artistas como Daddy Yankee y Don Omar (no puedo creer haber escrito esos nombres) nos torturan con letras, cuyos temas principales son el amor y el sexo muy poco trabajadas. Para la muestra un botón:
“Zúmbale mambo pa’ que mi gata prendan los motores, que se preparen que lo que viene pa’ que le den….duro!”
Por favor! Mi primita Vanesa escribe cosas mejores.
Seguramente Jimi Hendrix (no puedo creer haber metido al viejo Jimi en este tema), cuyos restos se sacuden en alguna cripta en este momento, no querían que la lírica en la música cayera tan bajo cuando escribieron canciones como “The End” y “Purple Haze” respectivamente; y ni hablar de Bob Marley, padre del Reggae, quien probablemente esta noche le jalará las piernas a más de un Reggaetonero.
Lastimosamente, los músicos no son los únicos afectados por este género musical, también lo son escritores y poetas ¿qué pensaria Pablo Neruda sobre este tema?……….¿cómo pueden meternos la cultura gringa tan disimulada? por que si no se han dado cuenta ese hijueputa que canta la gasolina se hace llamar daddy yankee, que traducido a español seria algo como
“papito americano” tan sólo la palabra yankee me hace emputar y encima de todo esta gonorrea canta reggeaton.
Solo les puedo decir que el reggeaton es un virus que debe acabarse……
Nuevo Semestre escolar:
Este semestre si le voy a echar ganas!!!
Chiste Sobre A Tecnica De Rorschach Tu Que Ves Aquino
En la primera semana:
Que pesado! y apenas va una semana!
la segunda semana:
Ya estoy empezando a recobrar el ritmo!
Antes del examen de primer parcial:
Ya tengo que empezar a preparame para los examenes.
Durante el examen parcial:
Puta madre!! por que no estudié?!? por que no entregué los trabajos!?!?
Después del examen parcial:
Ya ni pedo en el siguiente parcial me recupero!, a relajarme!
Antes del examen final:
Tranquilo, esta si la libro, solo me tengo que poner a estudiar muy duro.
Una vez que sabes la fecha del examen final:
No mames!! tan pronto es el final!!!
7 días antes del examen final:
Hay ya, mañana empiezo a estudiar.
6 días antes del examen final:
La la la, que chingona esta esta rola!
5 días antes del examen final:
Estas últimas clases están de hueva ya quiero que sean vacaciones!
4 días antes del examen final:
Chiste Sobre A Tecnica De Rorschach Tu Que Ves Aqui Para
Maldito fin de semestre! ME TENGO QUE RELAJAR PARA EMPEZAR A ESTUDIAR!!
3 días antes del examen final:
a huevo! ya van a ser vacaciones!
2 días antes del examen final:
Me lleva la chingada!! tengo un buen de cosas que estudiar!!
1 día antes del examen final:
PUTA MADRE!!! Por que no estudié durante el semestre!!
1 noche antes del examen final:
AHORA SI VOY A ESSTUDIARR POC..ZZZZZZZZZZ
1 hora antes del examen final:
Por que puta madre no estudié!!!
Durante el examen final:
Ahora si ya valió todo.
Una vez que saliste del examen:
Ayudame Diosito, yo se que no voy muy seguido a misa, pero te juro que si me ayudas a pasar
el siguiente semestre me pongo a estudiar para subir mi promedio.
Después de las revisiones:
A huevo soy una verga!!! Soy tan chingón que libre el semestre sin deber alguna materia!!
Ahora si a chupar!!!!!
Y así es todos los semestres!!
O acaso me equivoco jajaja
Saludos para los que les quede el saco
ACÁ VAN ORACIONES PARA ESOS ÚLTIMOS MINUTOS
ANTES DEL EXAMEN
ORACIONES PARA LOS ESTUDIANTES
Examen Nuestro
que estás en clase,
santificado sea tu nombre;
venga a nosotros tu facilidad;
hágase tu voluntad tanto en las preguntas, como en la nota; danos hoy el parcial de cada semestre y perdona nuestras copiadas, como también nosotros perdonamos
a los que nos copian; no nos dejes caer en la raspazón y líbranos
de las instancias. Amén.
LETANÍAS PARA EXÁMENES FINALES
San José..¡Ayúdame que no sé!
Santo Tomás..¡Pa'l próximo estudio más!
San Erasmo.. ¡Que no me quede este lapso!
San Clemente.. ¿Qué pregunta este demente?
Santa Pilar.. ¡Que pueda copiar!
Santa Raquel.. ¿Me copio de este o de aquél?
San Marcial.. ¡Que pase el semestral!
San Procopio..¿De quién me copio?
San Celestino.. ¡Esto está en chino!
San Silvestre.. ¡Que salve el semestre!
JUDAS NO CAMBIA.
Estaba Jesús en el cielo, reunido con todos sus discípulos, y estaban analizando la problemática de la droga en el mundo y cómo ésta destruía a muchas personas y familias.
Pero como ellos nunca habían probado ningún tipo de droga, no sabían realmente qué era lo que producía, de modo que Jesús decidió mandar a todos sus discípulos a distintas partes del mundo para que trajeran muestras de distintas drogas y las
analizaran. . Jesús pasó cinco días esperando que llegaran los discípulos, hasta que por primera vez tocaron la puerta:(Toc, Toc, Toc.) ¿Quién es? - preguntó Jesús
Soy Juan. Jesús abre la puerta y le dice:
¿Que trajiste Juan?
Cocaína de Colombia Maestro
Muy bien.., pasa y déjala por ahí.
Al rato.. (Toc, Toc, Toc.)
¿Quién es? - Soy Pedro.
Jesús abre la puerta y le dice: -¿Que trajiste Pedro?
Marihuana de Jamaica Maestro - Muy bien.., pasa y déjala por ahí.
(Toc, Toc, Toc.)
Quién es? - Soy Mateo.
Jesús abre la puerta y le dice: -¿Qué trajiste Mateo?
Crack de New York Maestro
Muy bien.., pasa y déjala por ahí.
Y así sucesivamente iban llegando los discípulos y trajeron Heroína, Anfetamina, LSD, Hachis, Pasta Base, etc., etc. Sólo faltaba un discípulo, y en eso sonó la puerta:
(Toc, Toc Toc)
¿Quién es? -Soy yo, JUDAS.
Jesús abre la puerta y dice:
¿Qué trajiste Judas?
'A la AFI cabrones.. Todos contra la pared.
Ese de barba es el Jefe!!
IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Media Player, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing and the lyric or chorus of the song
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
Opening Credits: El Espiritu de Bosque (Intro) by Mago de Oz
«Soy la magia, soy la luz
un instante de eternidad
la puerta abierta al más allá
si duermes me verás..
Si has llegado hasta aquí
cuídate de morir sin antes dejar
terminados todos tus sueños
la vida es para luchar»
Waking Up: Blaze of Glory by Bon Jovi
I wake up in the mornin'
And I raise my weary head
I got an old coat for a pillow
And the earth was last night's bed
I don't know where I'm goin'
Only God knows where I've been
I'm a devil on the run
A six gun lover
A candle in the wind, yeah
You're brought into this world
But they say you're born in sin
Well at least they've given me something
I didn't have to steal or have to win
Well, they tell me that I'm wanted
Yeah I'm a wanted man
I'm colt in your stable
I'm what Cain was to Able
Mister catch me if you can
I'm goin' down in a blaze of glory
(Down)
Take me now but know the truth
I'm goin' down in a blaze of glory
(Down)
Lord I never drew first
But I drew first blood
I'm no one's son
Call me young gun
You ask about my conscience
And I offer you my soul
You ask if I'll grow to be a wise man
Well I ask if I'll grow old
You ask me if I known love
And what it's like to sing songs in the rain?
Well, I've seen love come
I've seen it shot down
I've seen it die in vain
Shot down in a blaze of glory
(Down)
Take me now but know the truth
But I'm going down in a blaze of glory
(Down)
Lord, I never drew first
But I drew first blood
I'm a devil's son
Call me young gun
Yeah
Each night I go to bed
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
No, I ain't lookin' for forgiveness
But before I'm six foot deep
Lord, I got to ask a favor
And I'll hope you'll understand
'Cause I've lived life to the fullest
Let this boy die like a man
Starin' down the bullet
Let me make my final stand
Shot down in a blaze of glory
(Down)
Take me now but know the truth
I'm going down in a blaze of glory
(Down)
Lord, I never drew first
But, I drew first blood
I'm no one's son
Call me young gun
I'm the young gun
Young gun, yea eee yea
Young gun
First Day At School: Divano by Era
Infanatoca
Si temi more regat
Impela sentra demon terra
Terra nonive
Infanatoca
Si temi more regat
Efamima dove tore
Infata dio re
Infa lati platsire
Divano divano re divano resi
Divano resido divano resia
Divano divano re divano resido
Divano resia resia resia
Infanatoca
Si temi more regat
Impela sentra demon terra
Terra nonive
Infanatoca
Si temi more regat
Efamima dove tore
Infata dio re
Infa lati plasire
Divano divano re divano resi
Divano resido divano resia
Divano divano re divano resia
Divano resia
Divano divano re divano resia
Divano resia resia resia resia..
Divano divano re divano resi
Divano resia
Divano divano re divano resi
Divano resia Divano resia
Divano divano re diavano resia
Divano resia resia resia resia..
Divano divano re divano resi
Divano resia Divano resia
Divano divano re divano resia
Divano resia resia..
Making Your New Best Friend: Now and Forever by Richard Marx
Whenever I'm weary
From the battles that rage in my head
You make sense of madness
When my sanity hangs by a thread
I lose my way but still you
Seem to understand
Now and forever
I will be your man
Sometimes I just hold you
Too caught up in me to see
I'm holding a fortune
That heaven has given to me
I'll try to show you
Each and every way I can
Now and forever
I will be your man
Now I can rest my worries
And always be sure
That I won't be alone anymore
If I'd only known you were there
All the time
All this time
Until the day the ocean
Doesn't touch the sand
Now and forever
I will be your man
Now and forever
I will be your man
Falling In Love: Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts
Well, life's like a road that you travel on
There's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where Blues won't haunt you anymore
For the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
To break down the guarding gate
There's not much time left today, yeay
Life is a highway, I wanna ride it
All night long
If you're going my way, I wanna drive it
All night long
Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights
They knock me down
And back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
The road's so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors
Life is a highway, I wanna ride it
All night long
If your going my way, I wanna drive it
All night long
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, yeah
Life is a highway, I wanna ride it
All night long (mmmm yeah)
If your going my way, I wanna drive it
All night long
There was a distance between you and I
(between you and I)
A misunderstanding once
But now, we look it in the eye
Ooooo..Yeah!
There ain't no load that I can't hold
The road's so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors
Life is a highway, I wanna ride it
All night long (all night long, yeah hey)
If your going my way, I wanna drive it
All night long
Life is a highway, I wanna ride it
All night long
If your going my way, I wanna drive it
All night long
Life is a highway, I wanna ride it
All night long
If your going my way, I wanna drive it
All night long
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, yeah
Breaking Up: Bleed it Out by Linkin Park
Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw 'em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind
Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose
Truth is you can stop and stare
Run myself out and no one cares
Dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere
Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
[End Chorus]
Go stop the show
Choppy words and a sloppy flow
Shotgun opera lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go
Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse
Candy paint on his brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works
Fuck this hurts, I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try
Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied
So why try ignoring him
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this
I've pulled myself so far
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
Prom: Ves by Sin Bandera
Ves que aun te puedo tocar con un dedo de amor
Puedo hacerte temblar cuando escuchas mi voz
No esta todo perdido si quema mi fuego en tu piel
Cuando digo tu nombre
Se que no todo acabo el amor sigue aqui
Esto no termino tu me miras asi como ayer
Tiene tanto poder lo que siento
Ves que lo nuestro es eterno
Yo te puedo amar
Dejate llevar
Ves que mi amor es tu amor
Que tu ausencia es dolor
Que es amargo el sabor si no estas, si te vas
Y no regresas nunca mas
Que aun te puedo llenar
Con mi piel en tu piel de pasion
Que aun se puede salvar la ilusion
Para volver a respirar
en tu corazon
Ves que me acuerdo de cada detalle de ti
Que es mi unico sueño el hacerte feliz
Que no importa lo que haya pasado
No importa el dolor si hoy estas a mi lado
Yo te puedo amar
Dejate llevar
Ves que mi amor es tu amor
Que tu ausencia es dolor
Que es amargo el sabor si no estas, si te vas
Y no regresas nunca mas
Que aun te puedo llenar
Con mi piel en tu piel de pasion
Que aun se puede salvar la ilusion
Para volver a respirar en tu corazon..en tu corazon.
Graduation: Another Bag of Bricks by Flogging Molly
Twas in the early evenin
Near the presence of the moon
You told me you would meet me here
Well now is not too soon
This dagger twisting in my back
Tells me I never should
Have trusted everything to fall
From beggar to fool
I see your face like every race
A serpent with two arms
Devouring me while rains the sun
With dreams in foreign lands
This cold dark tormented hell
Is all Ill ever know
So when you get to heaven
May the devil be the judge
With another bag of bricks
I scratch your name across these walls
And with my blood turns red
Then drips upon my killing floor
Where I now call my bed
No precious light to harbor
Like so many here before
Now breathes a thousand more
With another bag of bricks
Temper filled with blindness
Leads this lost and lonely man
Dragged around your whipping tree
A scourge you cant command
So deafen me with silence
Drown me with your roar
Scowl me with your hollow eyes
Still burnin to the core
No door will go unanswerd
Like so many closed before
No vagabond to knock upon
This tired and beatin war
When all return to exile
Free from all once bound
Decline and brawl old parasites
The truth will yet be found
With another bag of bricks
With another bag of bricks
With another bag of bricks
This cold dark tormented hell
Is all Ill ever know
So when you get to heaven
May the devil be your judge
Temper filled with blindness
Leads this lost and lonely man
Dragged around your whipping tree
A scourge you cant command
So deafen me with silence
Drown me with your roar
Scowl me with your hollow eyes
Still burnin to the core
No door will go unanswerd
Like so many closed before
No vagabond to knock upon
This tired and beatin war
When all return to exile
Free from all once bound
Decline and brawl old parasites
The truth will yet be found
With another bag of bricks
With another bag of bricks
With another bag of bricks
With another bag of bricks
Life's Okay: How You Remind Me by Nickelback
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream 'are we having fun yet?'
yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no
yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no
it's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
And this is how, you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how, you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream 'are we having fun yet?'
yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream 'are we having fun yet?'
yet, yet
are we having fun yet [3x]
Death of a Close Friend: A Cara o Cruz by Radio Futura
El sabor de la uva morena
me gusto el de la rubia tambièn
dicen que voy por la mala senda
la tierra tiembla bajo mis pies
Y es que el amor es una enfermedad
que una vez contraida no se cura
y por mas que uno quiera perdura
y se contagia con facilidad
Si en el árbol del bien y del mal
eres fruta prohibida tu
no me juegues una mala partida
yo mordí por instinto animal
Pongamos la cosa clara
busquemos alguna luz
lo hechamos a cara o cruz
o lo hacemos por la cara
Fui a preguntarle al doctor
si es que soy un caso normal
o si es mi destino fatal
el estar de tan mal humor
Por que todos me rehuyen si me ven así
sera que tengo una pinta muy rara
o se creen que me he vuelto malcara
mas cuando quiero estar
solo vienen oh por mi
No le reconozco me dijo el doctor
pues no se donde va usted a parar
si hasta su sombra ha intentado cambiar
y el el claus no hay error
eso me dijo el doctor
La cosa pierde color
cuando la piensas dos veces
y mas dispuesto apareces
a pensar en lo peor
Esta noche hay rock and roll vecino
pero ha empezado a llover
los del grupo ya están en camino y
y no sabemos que hacer vamos a ver
Y como un rufio de altura
porque teneis que perder la razón
pues si después lo consigues a dura
lo que ansia vuestro corazon
no esperes hoy la tormenta de ayer
no duran siempre las penas de esta infierno
y aunque el azul del cielo es eterno
hasta mañana no vuelve a llover
Nunca se puede saber
lo que va a ocurrir mañana
salvo que al fin de semana
sigue un lunes otra vez
La cosa pierde color..
Pongamos la cosa clara..
Mental Breakdown: Sillyworld by Stone Sour
Freedom's just a word today
Freedom's just a word
When someone takes your word away it's seldom ever heard
So take a sentence full of things you're not supposed to say
Carry on, but don't write it down or you'll be gone
Love is just a song today
Love is just a song
When someone takes the song away
you seldom sing along
So take those lyrics serious and sing your life away
Carry on, but don't write 'em down or they'll be gone
All we ever do is talk
We like to ride but we never walk
We make it so damn easy
We get bored
Why can't anybody see what's good for you is good for me
I can't take your sillyworld
I can't take your sillyworld no more
Peace is just two fingers now
Peace was just a phase
When someone put it on a shirt
you knew to count the days
So take those fingers tape 'em up and shove 'em up your ass and carry on
but don't try it now cause peace is gone
All we ever do is talk
We like to ride but we never walk
We make it so damn easy
We get bored
Why can't anybody see what's good for you is bad for me
I can't take your sillyworld
I can't take your sillyworld no more
We fight our instincts
We go to extremes
We fight our instincts
We go to extremes
We fought a lot [x13]
Flashback: Road to Nowhere by Ozzy Osbourne
I was looking back on my life
And all the things I've done to me
I'm still looking for the answers
I'm still searching for the key
Chorus:
The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just won't leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The road to nowhere leads to me
Through all the happiness and sorrow
I guess I'd do it all again
Live for today and not tomorrow
It's still the road that never ends
Chorus
The road to nowhere leads to me
Ah ah
The road to nowhere's gonna pass me by
Ah ah
I hope we never have to say goodbye
I never want to live without you
Chorus
The road to nowhere leads to me
The road to nowhere leads to me
The road to nowhere leads to me
The road to nowhere leads to me
The road to nowhere leads to me
The road to nowhere leads to me
The road to nowhere leads to me
Getting Back Together: The Last Night by Skillet
You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.
[Chorus]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.
Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.
[Chorus]
The last night away from me
[Bridge]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.
[Chorus]
I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.
The last night away from me,
Away from me.
Birth of Child: Skin (Sarabeth) by Rascal Flatts
Sara Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well, since the day that she fell
And the bruise just won't go away
So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile stands in the door
And says will you please come with me
Sara Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you
Six chances in ten, it won't come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved, it's the strongest there is
And I think that we caught it in time
And Sara Beth closes her eyes.
Chorus:
And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair
Sara Beth is scared to death
As she sits holding her mom
Cause it would be a mistake for someone to take
A bald headed girl to the prom
For just this morning, right here on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
And Sara Beth closes her eyes
Chorus:
And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair
Bridge
It's quarter to seven, that boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had all been
Softly she touches just skin
And they go dancing, around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared.
Wedding Scene: Desperado by The Eagles
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
Car Accident: Nobody wants to be Lonely by Christina Aguilera and Ricky Martin
Why, why, why
Oh ooh ohh
There you are, in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
In the shadows
Come to come, come to me
Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (ooh ohh yeah), why (oh why), why
Ooh ooh, yeah
Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song
It's a seranade, so your heart can find me, ohh
And suddenly you're flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby, ohh
Before I start going crazy
Going crazy, ohh
Run to me
Run to me
Cause I'm dying..
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (I don't wanna cry)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why
Why, why don't you let me love you
I wanna feel you need me
Feel you need me
Just like the air you're breathing
Breathing, I need you here in my life
Don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't walk alway, don't walk away
No, no, no, no..
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry..yeah yeah
Nobody wants to be lonely (yeah ohh ooh)
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry)
My body's longing to hold you (is longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (hurts inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life (ohh)
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Let me love you..
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry..)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (so hurt inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why (why), why don't you let me love you
Why (why), let me love you
Why don't you let me love you
Why, love you, let me love you
Why (why)
Final Battle: Everybodys Fool by Evanescence
perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
Death Scene: El Cantar de La Luna Oscura by Mago de Oz
Es el país de la luna oscura.
Es la habitación deshabitada.
Es la más bella criatura.
Es la dama descorazonada.
Apuestos galanes la cortejan
y aquellos que la han conseguido
con el paso del tiempo la dejan
y ella llorando escoge el olvido.
De olvido vive y de olvido muere
como planta en jardín olvidado,
sabiendo que nadie la quiere,
sabiendo que nadie la ha amado.
De olvido vive y de olvido muere
como planta en jardín olvidado,
sabiendo que nadie la quiere,
sabiendo que nadie la ha amado.
Es la inocencia perdida.
Es la vejez negada.
Y unas lágrimas perdidas
María vive desesperada.
De olvido vive y de olvido muere
como planta en jardín olvidado,
sabiendo que nadie la quiere,
sabiendo que nadie la ha amado.
De olvido vive y de olvido muere
como planta en jardín olvidado,
sabiendo que nadie la quiere,
sabiendo que nadie la ha amado.
Funeral Song: Killer Queen by Queen
She keeps Moet et Chandon
In a pretty cabinet
'Let them eat cake' she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
A built-in remedy
For Khrushchev and Kennedy
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline
Caviar and cigarettes
Well versed in etiquette
Extraordinarily nice
Chorus:
She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, Gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?
To avoid complications
She never kept the same address
In conversation
She spoke just like a baroness
Met a man from China
Went down to Asia Minor
Then again incidentally
If you're that way inclined
Perfume came naturally from Paris
for cars she couldn't care less
Fastidious and precise
Chorus
Drop of a hat she's as willing as
Playful as a pussy cat
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of gas
To absolutely drive you wild, wild
She's out to get you
Chorus
Recommended at the price
Insatiable in appetite
Wanna try?
You wanna try.
End Credits: Mad Season by Matchbox 20
I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?
Well I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how no one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around
So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season
I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?
So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season
And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
And I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
Well I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone
I come undone in this mad season
In this mad season
It's been a mad season
Been a mad season
Deleted Scenes: Nearly Lost You There by Screaming Trees
Did you hear the distant cry
Calling me back to my sin
Like the one you knew before
Calling me back once again
I nearly, I nearly lost you there
And it's taken us somewhere
I nearly lost you there
Let's try to sleep now
Drag me far enough to know
I'm blind every mile that you burn
There's a rider that's fallen and
It's clear there's no time to return
I nearly, I nearly lost you there
And it's taken us somewhere
I nearly lost you there
Well let's try to sleep now
Did you hear the distant lie
Calling me back to my sin
Like the one you knew before
Calling me back once again
I nearly, I nearly lost you there
And it's taken us somewhere
I nearly lost you there
Well let's try to sleep now
I nearly lost you there
I nearly lost you
I nearly lost you there
I nearly lost you there
I nearly lost you there
Oh yeah, nearly lost you there
1) New York City tiene 11 letras.
2) Afghanistan tiene 11 letra
3) Ramsin Yuseb (El terrorista que amenazó con destruir las Torres
Gemelas en 1993) tiene 11 letras.
4) George W Bush tiene 11 letras.
Esto puede ser pura coincidencia, pero ahora se pone mas interesante
1) New York es el estado numero 11.
2) El primer avión que se estrelló contra las Torres Gemelas fue el vuelo numero11.
3) El vuelo numero 11 llevaba 92 pasajeros. 9 2 = 11
4)El vuelo numero 77 también se estrelló contra las T Gemelas, y llevaba 65 pasajeros. 65 = 11
5) La tragedia sucedió el 11 de Septiembre, o mejor dicho 9/11. 911=11
6) El día es igual al numero de emergencia de la policía en Estados Unidos 911. 911 =11. Pura coincidencia???
Sigue leyendo y ya me contarás.
1) El numero total de victimas dentro de todos lo aviones fue de 254. 254= 11.
2) El 11 de Septiembre es el día 254 del calendario. Otra vez 254=11.
3) Las explosiones de Madrid sucedieron el día 3/11/2004. 31124= 11.
4) La tragedia de Madrid sucedió 911 días después del incidente de las Torres Gemelas 911=11..
Bueno, ahora es cuando las cosa se pone mas misteriosa.
Uno de los símbolos mas reconocidos de Estados Unidos, después de las Estrellas y las Barras, es el Águila.
La siguiente estrofa ha sido sacada del Quran, el libro sagrado Islamita
Por que se ha escrito que el hijo de Arabia despertará a una terrible Aguila. La fuerza del Águila se sentirá por todas las tierras de Allah, mientras algunas personas temblarán en desesperación pero en el fondo se alegrarán: por que la fuerza del Aguila limpiará las tierras de Allah y abrá paz.'
Ésa estrofa es la numero 9.11 del Quran.
Todavía no estás convencido..?!
Intenta lo siguiente y luego me cuentas, se me a puesto el pelo de punta: Abre el Microsoft Word y haz lo siguiente:
1. Escribe en mayúscula Q33 NY. Éste es el numero de vuelo del primer avión que se estrelló contra las Torres Gemelas.
2. Sombrea el Q33 NY.
3. Cambia el tamaño a 48.
4. Cambia la letra a WINGDINGS.
RESULTADO: Q33 NY
Y AHORA QUE PIENSAS?!?!!?
Tú a Escorpio, le regalas un libro por su cumpleaños, y él te regala una enciclopedia por el tuyo. Amando es igual; tú le das un beso, y Escorpio te hace el amor tresveces seguidas..
Odiando tampoco tiene medida; tú le rompes la ventanilla del coche, y él te quema la casa. Claro, que es lo que Escorpio dice: - Yo no he empezado-
Nuevas preguntas agregadas al cuestionario del censo del INEGI 2010
Indique su posición socioeconómica:
a) Media jodida b) Jodida c) Jodida y media
Segun su ingreso se define usted:
A) secuestrable B)Algo secuestrable C)Nada Secuestrable
La persona amordazada ¿vive aki o es visita?
¿Al descuartizado lo cuento todo o en partes?
¿Cuantas narcotienditas hay en su colonia?
a) de 1 a 3 b) de 4 a 6 c) aqui es narcotiendita
En su casa, ¿Son todos heterosexuales o hay algún socio águila?
¿Tiene Facebook o vida social?
¿Cuántas vacas y pollos tiene en su FarmVille?, y si tiene tractores, ya pagó la tenencia?
Su hijo o hija es:
a.Geek b.friki c.Hacker d.Nerd e.Gamer f.Otaku g) mutante de las anteriores
Usted sufre como:
A) PRECIOUS B) ROMANO C) PAULETTE D)JEFEDIEGO E)EMO F)TODAS LAS ANTERIORES
Con quien dejaría a sus hijos?
A)Padre Maciel B)La mamá de Paulette C)Guardería ABC
Con qué frecuencia limpia debajo de su cama?
A)diario, B)una vez a la semana, C)cuando se extravia algún pariente
¿En qué programa de Tv le gustaría ver el caso Paulette?
a) Dr. House b) La rosa de Guadalupe c) Cada quien su santo d) CSI
Usted:
a) Tiene miedo? b) No chocó, lo chocaron c) Lo amarraron como puerco
La cara de elba esther deberia salir en:
a) dificil de creer b) hasta el viento tiene miedo c) extranormal
Usted prefiere que la Selección:
a) Haga sandwich b) Haga goles
Que cree que haga el bofo este mundial?
a) Nada b) Todos los goles de la seleccion en el mundial c) Los sandwiches
¿Qué cree usted que suceda primero?:
a) ganar la guerra contra el Narco. b) jugar el 5º partido del Mundial
Sabe usted donde esta el jefe Diego ??
Usted cree que El Jefe Diego sigue fumando puros o ya chupó Faros?
¿Festeja ud a alguien el día de las Sexoservidoras?
Si_ NO_ Autofestejo_
Si adelita se fuera con otro, ¿La seguirias por tierra y por mar?
Choco? o lo chocaron????
De que barrio es paquita ?
Usted, ¿Se lleva sus regalos o le entra a la catafixia?
¿Cree ud que el 'apa' le de a su hijo la cheyenne algún día?
Cuál es la chela con más alcohol?
A)Victoria, b)las alemanas, c)negra modelo, d)heiniken e)chela Lora
Que si la paz, que si la salud, que si el no se que, que si la dicha, que si el amor..bla, bla, bla y bla. Mis huevos son verdes shingue a su madre y al grito deee..A q' le tiras cuando sueñas mexicano.징징징징
BASTA DE FARSAS Y CURSILERIAS ESTUPIDAS!! Yo te deseo con todo mi corazon :
1.-Relaciones sexuales increibles,
2.-orgasmos inolvidables;
3.-que trabajes la mitad y te paguen el triple,
4.-Mil noches de placer,
5.-Un chingo de hombres o un CHINGO de mujeres Hermosas (segun sea el caso, o todos porque no!!!),
6.-parrandas con los amigos y
7.-que te saques la loteria!!
8.-Te compres un carro ultimo modelo,
9.-que viajes,
10.-que tengas grandes satisfacciones,
11.-Que no falle el condon y
12.-Que estrenes una linda casa.
La confianza verdadera?
Llovia copiosamente, y un hombre observaba desde su casa de dos pisos la tremenda lluvia. Ya la inundacion corria por el vecindario y entraba agua al primer piso de la casa. De pronto paso un helicoptero que le grita: ' Oye, subase al helicoptero!'
'No,' contesto nuestro hombre, 'yo confio en Dios que nada me suceda.'
Cuando el primer piso se inundo, nuestro hombre subio al segundo piso, y volvio a pasar el helicoptero: ' Oye, subase.. lo llevamos!'
Nuestro hombre volvio a repetir: 'Confio en Dios que nada suceda.'
Cuando el agua inundo el segundo piso, el hombre se subio al techo, y se repite la historia del helicoptero por tercera vez.
Cuando nuestro hombre llego a la presencia del Señor le dijo: 'Señor yo confie en ti en la inundacion para que me rescataras.'
El Señor le contesta: 'hijo.. te envie el helicoptero tres veces y no te subiste.'
¿TU A QUIEN ESCOGERIAS?
Una mujer regaba el jardin de su casa y vio a tres viejos con sus años de experienciafrente a su jardín.
Ella no los conocía y les dijo:No creo conocerlos, pero deben tener hambre. Por favor entren a mi casa para que coman algo.
Ellos preguntaron: -¿Está el hombre de la casa?
-No, respondió ella , no está.
-Entonces no podemos entrar, dijeron ellos.
Al atardecer, cuando el marido llegó, ella le contó lo sucedido.
-¡Entonces diles que ya llegué invítalos a pasar! .
La mujer salió a invitar a loshombres a pasar a su casa.
-No podemos entrar a una casa los tres juntos, explicaron los viejitos.
-¿Por qué?, quiso saber ella.
Uno de los hombres apuntó hacia otro de sus amigos y explicó:
Su nombre es Riqueza.
Luego indicó hacia el otro.
Su nombre es Éxito
y yo me llamo Amor.
Ahora ve adentro y decide con tu marido a cuál de nosotros 3 desean invitar a vuestra casa.
La mujer entró a su casa yle contó a su marido lo que ellos le dijeron.
El hombre se puso felíz: ¡Qué bueno! Y ya que así es el asunto entonces invitemos a Riqueza, que entre y llene nuestra casa.
Su esposa no estuvo de acuerdo:
Querido, ¿porqué no invitamos a Exito?
La hija del matrimonio estaba escuchando desde la otra esquina de la casa y vino corriendo.
¿No sería mejor invitar a Amor?
Nuestro hogar estaría entonces lleno de amor.
Hagamos caso del consejo de nuestra hija, dijo el esposo a su mujer.
Ve afuera e invita a Amor a que sea nuestro huesped.
La esposa salió y les preguntó
¿Cuál de ustedes es Amor?
Por favor que venga y que sea nuestro invitado.
Amor se sentó en su silla y comenzó a avanzar hacia la casa.
Los otros 2 también se levantaron y le siguieron.
Sorprendida, la dama les preguntó a Riqueza y a Exito:
Yo invité sólo a Amor ¿porqué Uds. también vienen?.
Los viejos respondieron juntos:
-Si hubieras invitado a Riqueza o a Éxito los otros 2 habrían permanecido afuera, pero ya que invitaste a Amor, donde vaya él, nosotros vamos con él.
Donde quiera que hay amor, hay también riqueza y éxito.
MI DESEO PARA TI ES. . .
Donde haya dolor, te deseo paz y Felicidad.
Donde hay falta de fe en tí mismo, te deseo una confianza renovada en tu capacidad para superarla.
Donde haya temor, te deseo amor y valor.
No puedo darte soluciones para todos los problemas de la vida, ni tengo respuestas para tus dudas o temores, pero puedo escucharte y buscarlas junto contigo.
No puedo cambiar tu pasado ni tu futuro. Pero cuando me necesites estare junto a ti.
No puedo evitar que tropieces. Solamente puedo ofrecerte mi mano para que te sujetes y no caigas.
Tus alegrias, tus triunfos y tus exitos no son mios.
Pero disfruto sinceramente cuando te veo feliz.
No juzgo las decisiones que tomas en la vida. Me limito a apoyarte, a estimularte y a ayudarte si me lo pides.
No puedo trazarte límites dentro de los cuales debes actuar, pero si te ofrezco el espacio necesario para crecer.
No puedo evitar tus sufrimientos cuando alguna pena te
parta el corazon, pero puedo llorar contigo y recoger los pedazos para armarlo de nuevo.
No puedo decirte quien eres ni quien deberias ser.
Solamente puedo quererte como eres y ser amigos.
LO QUE NECESITO PARA SER FELIZ, LO ENSEÑA LA VIDA
Cuando pienses que la vida es solo vida,
cuando pienses que el tiempo te puede hacer sufrir
no pienses que todo eso es tuyo,
eso tambien le pertencese a una estrella
Esa estrella es la que te ilumina en los peores momentos
y en los mejores momentos de tu vida,
la que te cuida cuando lloras a mares.
pero, todo, todo lo que sufres algun dia terminará
Cuando estes enamorada , dilo, deselo a alguien, pero
con sinceridad,
La vida es como una escuela que no termina nuca, estes en el mundo de los mrtales o con el poderoso
Ama profunda y apasionadamente. Puedes salir herido, pero esa es la única manera de vivir la vida completamente.
Cada vez que des un tropiezo, o tengas que enfrentar un obstaculo, sigue, sigue pero con la frente en alto.
Nunca jamás despresies la vida, disfrutala!!!!!!!
Cuando quieras desaparecer del mundo, solo cierra los ojos y piensa en lo mejor que te a pasado, o en lo mejor que quieras que suceda, esta es la enseñansa que te deja la vida, la vida hay que vivirla, disfrutarla dia a dia, minuto a minuto.
RefleXiona cuando tengas momentos dificiles,y sueña con un mundo nuevo..
Tratame con pureza!
No me catalogues, no soy un objeto.
No me etiquetes, no soy mercaderia.
No me juzgues, no soy tu reo.
No me acuses, no eres mi fiscal.
No me condenes, no eres mi juez.
No me enmarques, no soy espejo ni cuadro.
No me definas,soy un misterio.
No me minimices, soy mis complejo de lo que crees.
No me divulgues, no soy un producto o una cosa.
No me vulgarices, soy alguien muy especial.
No me apuntes, no soy un blanco de tiro.
No me idolatres, no soy un idolo.
No me calumnies, tengo el derecho a la verdad de los hechos.
No me difames, tengo el derecho de ser quien soy.
No me esquematices, soy mas libre de lo que te imaginas.
No creas demasiado en mi, soy falible.
No dudes siempre de mi, soy mas verdad que error.
Recuerda siempre que:
Soy gente como tu.
Soy humano como tu.
Soy limitado como tu.
Soy hijo de Dios como lo eres tu
Tratame como gentey como hermano y seras para mi aquello que no lograstes ver en mi persona:
Un amigo de verdad!
SONRIO =)
SONRIO…
Aunque la vida me golpee,
Aunque no todos los amaneceres sean hermosos,
Aunque se me cierren las puertas.
Sonrío…
SUEÑO…
Porque soñar no cuesta nada y alivia mi pensamiento,
Porque quizás mi sueño pueda cumplirse,
Porque soñar me hace feliz.
LLORO…
Porque llorar purifica mi alma y alivia mi corazón,
Porque mi angustia decrece, aunque solo sea un poco…
Porque cada lágrima es un propósito de mejorar mi existencia.
AMO…
Porque amar es vivir,
Porque si amo, quizás reciba amor,
Porque prefiero amar y sufrir, que sufrir por no haber amado nunca.
COMPARTO…
Porque al compartir crezco,
Porque mis penas, compartidas, disminuyen,
Y mis alegrías se duplican…
Sonrío, sueño, lloro, amo, comparto…
¡¡¡Vivo…!!! Y por ello doy gracias, un día más…
PERO NO VAYAS A LLORAR.
Enero 15
Como te fue en Navidad y Año Nuevo? Llame para saludarte pero no te encontre, que lastima. Queria contarte lo bien que la pase y todos los propositos que espero cumplir este año. Imagino que ya iniciaste clases y que agobio con el trabajo, a todos nos pasa a veces. Ojala pronto podamos hablar. Tengo que contarte muchas cosas!!
Marzo 27
Aun no se de ti. y aunque te mando muchos emails, nunca me
respondes. Es posible que tengas muchas ocupaciones.Ya se!! ..Lo mas probable es que te hayas tomado las merecidas vacaciones de las que me hablaste hace 5 meses.
Recuerdas que te dije que la playa era genial?. Y ese hotel del que me contaste ha de ser hermoso. Ojala la estes pasando bien.
Mayo 8
Ayer me sucedió algo terrible .. y no tengo nadie a quien contarle. Te llame pero solo escuche tu voz en la contestadora .. deje un pequeño mensaje, ojala y no se borre.
Me gustaria mucho poder contarte el gran problema que tengo, aunque ya se que es imposible encontrarte en tu casa a esta hora. Pero como tu decias, Yo siempre hago una
tormenta en un vaso de agua. Tal vez mis problemas no son tan agobiantes como los que tu debes tener.. debo ser mas fuerte.
Julio 27
Feliz Cumpleaños!!.Te he llamado 2 veces. Tu mama y hermanos ya me alucinan!! Me dicen que aun no llegas de la escuela y que por la tarde tienes tu trabajo y pues. hasta en la noche te puedo encontrar. Solo quiero decirte que te deseo lo mejor y que me gustaria seguir siendo parte de tu vida por muchos años mas.
Septiembre 17
Recibi tu email. El chiste estaba gracioso. No se si te enteraste, pero estuve unos dias en el hospital. Nada grave, un pequeño dolor de cabeza. Algo asi como la migraña que siempre has padecido. El Doc quiere hacerme unos estudios para estar seguros que todo me 'funcione bien'. Y yo le digo que 'Mala hierba nunca muere'. Aunque en el fondo siento una profunda tristeza.
Octubre 12
Ayer fue mi cumpleaños. Comprendo que lo hayas olvidado, hace tiempo que no hablamos y bueno .. tu tienes mucho que hacer. Esperaba que llamaras para decirme 'te estas haciendo viejo!!', pero por mas que el telefono sono no eras tu!. Sabes, desde mis dias en el hospital me he sentido algo debil, tal vez sea que no he estado comiendo bien.
Ahora recuerdo que es epoca de examenes. Lo mas seguro es que estas batallando con Algebra y por eso no llamaste.. siempre fuiste malisimo en algebra.
Octubre 20
Algo me funciona mal, esta en mi cabeza, el doctor dice que necesito quimioterapia antes de que avance mas mi problema. Yo digo que saldre adelante, confio en Dios, pero mis papas se ven muy preocupados. Ojala tuvieras tiempo de llamarme. Siempre sabes decir las palabras exactas cuando la depresion embarga mi alma.
Noviembre 30
Quimioterapia .. es lo peor. Mi cabello se empieza a caer, tengo muchas nauseas y casi ni me levanto de la cama. Mis uñas se caen en pedazos. Mis uñas!! Si me vieras ahora, creo que no me reconocerias, baje de peso y casi he perdido la mitad de mi cabellera. Se que ayer fue el primer dia de tu trabajo. Tu no me lo has dicho, pero me entere por otra persona que me dijo que habla contigo .. y .. bueno me lo conto. Ojala que en este trabajo todo te salga excelente.
Enero 11
Al fin, ahora estoy descansando de todo. Recupere mi cabellera y mis uñas volvieron.
No mas nauseas ni dolores. Aqui hay mucha paz y tranquilidad aunque a veces me mortifica saber que mis papas siguen llorando por mi. Desde aqui puedo ver lo que haces. Se que no te has enterado de lo que sucedio conmigo. Hoy conociste a alguien que lleva el que era mi nombre.. Curioso no?.. recuerdo que siempre dijiste que mi nombre era extraño y tu pensaste: 'Hace cuanto que no le hablo?'.
Marzo 4
Hace 1 mes que te enteraste. Tragico no?. Y hoy visitaste mi tumba y me llevaste tulipanes, mis flores favoritas. Estuviste platicando con la placa que lleva mi nombre y, mientras recordabas nuestras aventuras.. te vi llorar. Me hubiera gustado estar ahí para abrazarte, consolarte y limpiar tus lagrimas, sin embargo, ya no estoy. Hey! Pero lo importante es que yo estoy feliz, solo me entristece saber que tu no lo estas. Y no es cierto
LOS AMIGOS SON ANGELES QUE NOS AYUDAN A PONERNOS DE PIE CUANDO NUESTRAS ALAS OLVIDAN COMO VOLAR .. nunca desperdicies la oportunidad para decirles que son tus amigos.
Si nuestra amistad es profunda y nos queremos de verdad, no habra ausencia que nos pueda separar.
Hubo una vez dos mejores amigos
Hubo una vez dos mejores amigos. Ellos eran inseparables, eran una sola alma. Por alguna razón sus caminos tomaron dos rumbos distintos y se separaron.
Yo nunca volví a saber de mi amigo hasta el día de ayer, después de 10 años, que caminando por la calle me encontré a su madre. La saludé y le pregunté por mi amigo. En ese momento sus ojos se llenaron de lágrimas y me miró a los ojos diciendo: murió ayer.. No supe qué decir, ella me seguía mirando y pregunté cómo había muertoElla me invitó a su casa, al llegar allí me ofreció sentarme en la sala vieja donde pasé gran parte de mi vida, siempre jugábamos ahí mi amigo y yo. Me senté y ella comenzó a contarme la triste historia. Hace 2 años le diagnosticaron una rara enfermedad, y su cura era recibir cada mes una transfusión de sangre durante 3 meses, pero ¿recuerdas que su sangre era muy rara?, sí, lo sé, igual que la tuya..
Estuvimos buscando donadores y al fin encontramos a un señor vagabundo.Tu amigo, como te acordarás, era muy testarudo, no quiso recibir la sangre del vagabundo. Él decía que de la única persona que recibiría sangre sería de ti, pero no quiso que te buscáramos, él decía todas las noches: no lo busquen, estoy seguro que mañana si vendrá.. Así pasaron los meses, y todas las noches se sentaba en esa misma silla donde estás tú sentado y rezaba para que te acordaras de él y vinieras a la mañana siguiente. Así acabó su vida y en la última noche de su vida, estaba muy mal, y sonriendo me dijo: madre mía, yo sé que pronto mi amigo vendrá, pregúntale por qué tardó tanto y dale esa nota que esta en mi cajon La señora se levantó, regresó y me entregó la nota que decía:
Amigo mío, sabía que vendrías, tardaste un poco pero no importa, loimportante es que viniste. Ahora te estoy esperando en otro sitio espero que tardes en llegar, pero mientras tanto quiero decirte que todas las noches rezaré por ti y desde el cielo te estaré cuidando mi querido mejor amigo. ¡Ah, por cierto, ¿te acuerdas por qué nos distanciamos? sí, fue porque no te quise prestar mi pelota nueva, jaja, qué tiempos.. éramos insoportables, bueno pues quiero decirte que te la regalo y espero que te guste mucho. Te quiere mucho: tu amigo por siempre'No dejes que tu orgullo pueda más que tú corazón..La amistad es como el mar, se ve el principio pero no el final
QUEDA PROHIBIDO
Queda prohibido llorar sin aprender,
levantarte un dia sin saber que hacer,
tener miedo a tus recuerdos.
Queda prohibido no sonreir a los problemas,
no luchar por lo que quieres,
abandonarlo todo por miedo,
no convertir en realidad tus sueños.
Queda prohibido no demostrar tu amor,
hacer que alguien pague tus dudas y mal humor.
Queda prohibido dejar a tus amigos,
no intentar comprender lo que vivieron juntos,
llamarles solo cuando los necesitas.
Queda prohibido no ser tu ante la gente,
fingir ante las personas que no te importan,
hacerte el gracioso con tal de que te recuerden,
olvidar a toda la gente que te quiere.
Queda prohibido no hacer las cosas por ti mismo,
no creer en Dios y hacer tu destino,
tener miedo a la vida y a sus compromisos,
no vivir cada dia como si fuera un ultimo suspiro.
Queda prohibido echar a alguien de menos
sin alegrarte, olvidar sus ojos, su risa,
todo porque sus caminos han dejado de abrazarse,
olvidar su pasado y pagarlo con su presente.
Queda prohibido no intentar comprender a las personas,
pensar que sus vidas valen mas que la tuya,
no saber que cada uno tiene su camino y su dicha.
Queda prohibido no crear tu historia,
dejar de dar las gracias a Dios por tu vida,
no tener un momento para la gente que te necesita,
no comprender, que lo que la vida te da, tambien te lo quita.
Queda prohibido no buscar tu felicidad,
no vivir tu vida con una actitud positiva,
no pensar en que podemos ser mejores,
no sentir que sin ti este mundo no seria igual.
La vida es..
La vida es una copa plena de felicidad, pero nunca se te da llena.
Te dan un sorbito de vez en cuando, un sorbito que tienes que ir llenando gota a gota todos los dias, para sobrevivir.
Nacemos para luchar por la felicidad.. casi para crearla, para hacerla a pesar de la tristeza, los desencantos, los errores, las malas jugadas y los irremediables imprevistos.
La felicidad no se va buscando en bienes y placeres.
Ella sola se nos va presentando.
La felicidad no es estar adorando y extrañando todo lo que nos falta sino encajar en todo lo que tenemos.
No vendas tu felicidad.. regalala!
No busques para ella formulas sencillas ni baratas.. Cuesta trabajo, son caros los ingredientes:
Compartir lo que tienes
Amar sin exigencias
Perdonar sin cicatrices
Aceptar sin perfecciones
Agradecer lo que te dan
Y no rendirte nunca!
Todo tiene que ir armonizando.. Del panal, un poquito de miel
Del mar un poquito de sal
De la vida un toquecito de optimismo
De la imaginacion, algo de sueño
Del dolor, algo de raiz
Y de la fe, algo de roca!
No somos felices, porque no sabemos como llenar nuestra copa, porque no sabemos dar a la vida un maximo de calidad y rendimiento, porque miramos al mundo como un esclavo, al camino empedrado como un imposible, a la mala suerte como una sombra que nos persigue, y al ideal como algo inalcanzable !
No olvides que la mas linda manera de ser Feliz es ocuparse de que otros lo sean.
Da mucho de ti mismo y la felicidad llegara SOLA
Llena tu copa..! y salda tu cuenta siendo Feliz.
¿¿¿COMO???
Jaimito está en clase y le pregunta al profesor:
Profesor, profesor, ¿cómo se escribe 'bala'?
Y el profesor le responde:
Como suena, Jaimito.
Y Jaimito escribió..
¡BUM!
¿Cómo se aman las chinches?
Chincheramente.
¿Cómo se dice, 'Chango paseando con perro en la playa'?
King Kong con can en Cancún.
¿Cómo se dice viuda en chino?
Chin chu mallillo.
Cómo se dice Banquero en Japonés?
Tekito-tu-chosa.
¿Cómo se dice Satisfecho en Japonés?
Ta-keeruta.
¿Cómo se dice Ginecólogo en Japonés?
Yoshi-miro-tu-cochita.
¿Cómo se dice Banquero en Japonés?
Pa-ga-ya.
¿Cómo se dice Sauna en Japonés?
Te-tzuda-lapan-tza.
¿Cómo se dice Espejo en Chino?
Ay-toy.
¿Cómo se dice Resorte en Chino?
Toiín.
¿Cómo se dice teléfono celular en Japonés?
LlamaPaga.
¿Cómo se dice Náufrago en Chino?
Chin-chu-lan-cha.
Cómo se dice en Italiano.
Bigote
Trampolini di moco.
Calzoncillo
Lacasita dalamiacolita.
¿Cómo se dice espejo en chino?
HAY-TOY-YO.
¿Cómo se dice comida rápida en chino?
YA-TA.
¿Cómo se dice bésame, en Árabe?
Mójame lajeta.
¿Cómo se dice, 'Me robaron la moto' en Japonés?
YANOMIRO MIYAMAHA.
¿Cómo se dice diarrea en chino?
Kagasaguas
¿Cómo se dice café amargo en Japonés?
Takara lazúcar.
Eran unas comadres que se estaban diciendo chismes, una no lo entendió y le dijo a la otra:
¿Cómo? ¿Cómo?
Y la otra le dijo:
¡Pues con la boca!
¿Cómo se dice diarrea en portugués?
Catarata du traseiro.
*!!ACTOS!!*
Primer acto: Un árbol con una pistola.
Segundo acto: El mismo árbol con un rifle.
Tercer acto: El mismo árbol con una bazooka.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
Árbol Schwarzenegger
Primer acto: Sale un puerco volando.
Segundo acto: Sale otro puerco volando.
Tercer acto: Sale otro puerco volando.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
Aeropuerco.
Primer acto: Sale un ciego mirando el sol.
Segundo acto: El ciego continúa mirando el sol.
Tercer acto: El mismo ciego mirando el sol.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
¡Visión imposible!
Primer acto: Sale un tomate.
Segundo acto: Sale una cámara fotográfica.
Tercer acto: Sale el tomate posando para la cámara.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
Tomate una foto
Primer acto: Aparece una isla desierta y en medio de ésta un sobrecito para hacer té.
Segundo acto: Aparece la misma isla con el mismo sobrecito de té.
Tercer acto: Aparece la misma isla con el mismo sobrecito de té.
¿Cómo se llamó la obra?
La isla del tesolo.
Sube el telón y aparece un hipopótamo pequeño, baja el telón, vuelve y sube y aparece un hipopótamo mediano, baja el telón, vuelve y sube y aparece un hipopótamo grande, ¿cómo se llama la obra?
HIPOCRECIA.
Primer acto: Sale un nabo.
Segundo acto: Sale un león.
Tercer acto: Sale una boina aparte.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
NABOLEÓN BOINAAPARTE
Primer acto: Sale una mujer sentada en una barra de hielo.
Segundo acto: Sale la misma mujer sentada en una barra de hielo.
Tercer acto: Sale la misma mujer sentada en una barra de hielo.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
Refresco de Cola
Primer acto: Una mosca con bata.
Segundo acto: Llega otra mosca con bata.
Tercer acto: Otra mosca más con bata.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
Combata las moscas.
Primer Acto: Benito Juarez.
Segundo Acto: Un vaso con agua.
Tercer Acto: Una foto.
¿Cómo se llama la obra?
Beni tomate la foto.
¡¡¡LAS MUJERES!!!
LAS MUJERES TIENEN FUERZAS QUE A
LOS HOMBRES LES ASOMBRA: ELLAS,CARGAN NIÑOS, PENAS Y COSAS PESADAS,SIN EMBARGO TIENEN ESPACIO PARA LA FELICIDAD ,EL AMOR Y LA ALEGRIA
ELLAS:
SONRIEN CUANDO QUIEREN GRITAR ,
CANTAN CUANDO QUIEREN LLORAR,
LLORAN CUANDO ESTAN CONTENTAS
Y RIEN CUANDO ESTAN NERVIOSAS.
LAS MUJERES ESPERAN UNA LLAMADA POR TELEFONO
DE SU PAREJA AVISANDO QUE LLEGO SANO
Y DICIENDOLE QUE LA EXTRAÑA.
LAS MUJERES TIENEN CUALIDADES ESPECIALES
SE OFRECEN PARA LAS CAUSAS BUENAS
ELLAS NO ACEPTAN UN 'NO' COMO RESPUESTA
CUANDO ESTAN CONVENCIDAS QUE HAY UNA SOLUCION.
SABEN PERDONAR.
SON INTELIGENTES Y SABEN DE SU
PODER ,
SIN EMBARGO SABEN USAR SU LADO SUAVE
CUANDO QUIEREN CONSEGUIR ALGO.
LAS MUJERES SE ALEGRAN O LLORAN
CUANDO
SE ENTERAN DE UN NACIMIENTO O
MATRIMONIO .
SABEN QUE UN ABRAZO,
UN BESO Y UN TE AMO
PUEDE SANAR UN CORAZON ROTO .
UNA MUJER PUEDE LOGRAR, QUE UNA
MAÑANA, UNA TARDE
O UNA NOCHE ROMANTICA SEAN INOLVIDABLES.
EL CORAZÓN DE UNA MUJER ES LO QUE
HACE
GIRAR EL MUNDO .
TODO LO QUE ELLAS QUIEREN ES
UN ABRAZO ,
UN BESO , UNA CARICIA,
UNA LLAMADA .
LAS MUJERES TIENEN MUCHO QUE DECIR Y
MUCHO PARA DAR .
LA BELLEZA DE LA MUJER NO ESTA EN LA
ROPA QUE LLEVE, LA FIGURA QUE TENGA
O LA FORMA EN QUE SE PEINE .
LA BELLEZA DE UNA MUJER DEBE VERSE EN
SUS OJOS ,
A TRAVES DE ELLOS, PORQUE ES
LA PUERTA A SU CORAZON , EL LUGAR
DONDE EL AMOR RESIDE,
TAMBIEN SE REFLEJA EN SU ALMA.
ES EL CUIDADO QUE ELLA LE DA A LA
PASION PARA ESTAR CON EL HOMBRE
QUE AMA A QUIEN SE ENTREGA
INOCENTEMENTE.
LA BELLEZA DE UNA MUJER CON EL PASO DE LOS
AÑOS CRECE HASTA EL INFINITO .
El exámen más fácil del mundo
Para Aprobar necesitas 4 respuestas correctas (50%)
1) Cuanto duró la guerra de los cien años?
2) Qué País fabrica los famosos Panama hats?
3) De qué animal se obtiene las cuerdas de tripa de gato?
4) En que mes los rusos celebran la Revolución de Octubre?
5) De que están hechos los pinceles de pelo de Camello?
6) Por que animal están nombradas las islas Canarias?
7) Cuál era el primer nombre del Rey Jorge VI ?
8) De que color es la caja negra de los aviones?
Terminó?
Cheque sus respuestas a continuación..
Respuestas
1) LA GUERRA DE LOS 100 AÑOS DURÓ EXACTAMENTE 116 AÑOS
2) ECUADOR FABRICA LOS PANAMA HATS
3) LAS CUERDAS DE TRIPA DE GATO SE OBTINEN DE OVEJAS YCABALLOS
4) LA REVOLUCION DE OCTUBRE LOS RUSOS LA CELEBRA EN NOVIEMBRE
5) EN REALIDAD NO ES PELO DE CAMMELLO SINO PIEL DE ARDILLA
6) SE LLAMAN CANARIAS POR EL PERRO (CAN)
7) EL PRIMER NOMBRE DEL REY ERA ALBERTO
8) LAS CAJAS NEGRAS DE LOS AVIONES SON DE COLOR NARANJA
No me diga, reprobó?
LOS DIEZ MANDAMIENTOS DE UN VAGOLOS MEJORES MANDAMIETOS
1.Se nace cansado y se vive para descansar.
2. Ama a tu cama como a ti mismo.
3. Si ves a alguien descansar, AYÚDALO.
4. Descansa de día para que no puedas dormir de noche.
5. El trabajo es sagrado, NO LO TOQUES.
6. Aquello que puedas hacer mañana, NO LO HAGAS HOY.
7. Trabaja lo menos que puedas, lo que tengas que hacer QUE LO HAGA OTRO.
8. Calma, nunca nadie murió por descansar.
9. Cuando sientas el deseo de trabajar, SIÉNTATE y espera a que te pase.
10. Si el trabajo es salud, QUE TRABAJEN LOS ENFERMOS.
*EL SONORENSE!!!*
ARRIBA EL NORTI !.
EL Sonorense no saluda: te dice 'que onda guey'.
El Sonorense no tiene amigos: tiene camaradas.
El Sonorense no se cae: se da un chingazo.
El Sonorense no se burla: se caga de risa y te agarra a carrilla.
El Sonorense no convence: tira la onda.
El Sonorense no se lanza: se avienta.
El Sonorense no besuquea a la francesa: da un lenguetazo.
El Sonorense no molesta: chinga para que te encabrones.
El Sonorense no se baña: se da un regaderazo.
El Sonorense no se molesta: se encabrona.
El Sonorense no te golpea: te da un putazo.
El Sonorense no te ordena: te manda a huevo.
El Sonorense no sufre de diarrea: sufre de chorrillo.
El Sonorense no fracasa: la caga.
El Sonorense no sale corriendo: sale en chinga.
El Sonorense no toma siestas: se echa una jeta.
El Sonorense no rie hasta mas no poder: se caga de la risa.
Al Sonorense no le es dificil: Le esta cabron!!.
El Sonorense no va rapido: va en chinga.
El Sonorense no toma: pistea.
El Sonorense no entra en accion: se agarra a putazos.
El Sonorense no es listo: es un pinchi nerdo.
El Sonorense no pide que lo lleven: pide un raite.
El Sonorense no es un tipo alegre: es poca madre!!!.
El Sonorense no es un tipo tremendo: es un chingon!!!.
El Sonorense no hace algo muy bien: se raya!.
El sonorense no es apasionado:es bien cachora.!
El sonorense no suelta un gas:se tira un pedo.
El sonorense no huele mal:giede!!
Las mamas Sonorenses no se van a tomar un cafe: se van de Juerga!
El Sonorense no es cualquier cosa: es lo chingon de lo fregon.!!!
*QUE VIVA MEXICO CABRONES!!!!!!*